And I just can't wait until the day when all of this will come to be.

Warm air. blue sky.  the inviting coolness of trees. leisurely walks. unrestrained laughter.  all signs point to summer.

except the stack of books on my desk.  waiting to suck the life out of me.  there are exams to study for, papers to write, an art critique to prepare for, and a GPA to maintain.  but the sun is out and its a beautiful day.  and that's where the temptation lies.  

i would so much rather be out of doors than inside my apartment, or worse, at the library.  but i have a list of 10,000 things to do, and i'm at least responsible enough to prioritize.  so i settle for an open window and pause when the breeze rustles my hair, relishing the contact with the outside world.   

I signed up for this....

13.1 miles.  13.1 freaking miles! it's almost that far to Franklin.  and i decided to go that far on foot.

at 7am.

on a Saturday. 

13.1 miles is a long way. but there was never a moment where i thought "why did i do this?" to be honest, i thought there might.  i havent trained as hard as i could have, and i am recovering from as stress fracture.  there was the potential for things to go very wrong.  but finishing a half marathon is on the list.  i've wanted to do this for years.  and yesterday, i did it! i mostly ran 13.1 miles in 2 hours 40 minutes and 36 seconds.  the time is really not that impressive, but i did it!

Do they have a patch for all kinds of addictions?

If not, they should.  

 I have decided that I will give up my dependancy/addiction to coffee.  I dont really know why i want to do this, because i love everything about coffee: the smell, the taste, the way it lets me stay awake when i have procrastinated a little too long.  but i dont like that i need it.  i want to be in control of my own life, and somehow it feels like i am less in control because I need coffee to function in the mornings.  I hate that i have a headache when i dont have my morning cup, that i'm irritable and groggy until the warm liquid has taken effect.  So i decided it had to stop, that i would deal with the headache for a few days, and then just see how it went.  I will still drink coffee socially and with friends, just not everyday.

Madness

When will i fully realize that life is insanely unpredictable? That things that seemed so certain evaporate like morning fog?  That the things you think will never happen, inevitably will? and the things you never see coming could be the very things that save you?  

Earth is not a place of predictability.  It is a place of uncertainty, pain, and unfulfilled hopes.  But it is also a place of beauty, laughter, and the promise of something more.  I love that glorious mornings can turn to disappointing afternoons that fade to sweet evenings that become fun nights.  I'm encouraged that disappointment can be softened by kind words and laughter, and that the love of friends can soothe me when what i really want to do is stand up and fight.  

A single tear slips silently down my cheek. Sometimes I just care too much.  But the tear will not be joined by another; I have so much to look forward to.  Each day brings a new surprise.

friendship

Friendship is a funny thing.  What makes you click so naturally with one person you seem completely incompatible with, and not really enjoy someone with whom you have a lot in common?  When does friendship start?  Where does acquaintance end and friend begin? And how can a friendship that has survived so much come completely undone over something that seems incredibly minor?

Sometimes it's hard, scary and intimidating to make new friends.  Or, it flows so naturally that you marvel at how close you have become so quickly.  Why is that?  just something i've been thinking about lately...

I love...

my friends, my life, my God!  Sometimes even in the midst of chaos, stress, and time-crunched madness, when i finally quit striving, I just hit this place of peace that can only be attributed to my dependance on Christ.  It's midnight and I am about to launch into a week I couldn't be less prepared for.  and yet... peace.  

Lord, I am in the habit of falling.  thank you for always being there to catch me.  - ltp

Whew!

breathe in, breathe out.  i'm trying so hard to just live right now without worry.  Im a planner, a scheduler, constantly making lists, loving the satisfaction of crossing things off.  but all of that precision is kind of shot right now.  kind of like the studs of a building guide the shape but don't define what occurs in the spaces in between, i have a list of things to do and a deadline for when they have to happen. there is no mapped out way of how to get from here to there.  and that's where the worry creeps in.  usually. not this time.  instead, i'm praying for clarity and making it up as i go along, spontaneously fitting phone calls/emails/class/ tests/studying/sleeping/reading in my days where i think, at this moment, they should go.  Maybe, looking back, i'll see i could have done things differently, planned them better, been more on top of things (which is why i don't plan on looking back on this time in that way).  because i'm making the best decisions i can with the time i have.  it wont be perfect.  but things will get done.  

and so i breathe deeply of the feverish life i am living at the moment.  things will eventually slow down, i can sit back later, but for now i'm running as fast as i can.  chasing deadlines, digging in for the week ahead.  because this is my life. right now.  life is in the in between moments, the gaps of time between class and work, the unexpected snags and sweet times.  yes, i am a little stressed at the moment, but i really wouldnt have it any different. 

i've never been so exhausted and exhilarated.  and it's only Tuesday.  :)

Sometimes, I just want to punch someone in the face

like right now. 

because i'm mad at you.  

and i'm tired, so my fuse is short.

object of my anger and frustration, watch out. 

"She doesn't want to leave, she's just wonderin' if there's life out there...."

I love nashville, and i know it's where God wants me to be right now.  and maybe its just my gypsy past, but i'm getting restless.  its a feeling thats been growing for awhile.  i love my life in tennessee, but...

i want to see places i've never been.  i have a list.  i know its corney, but i do. i dont want to miss anything.  i want to experience all life possibly has to offer. but for now, i know i just need to be content and enjoy this part of my life. because who knows what's out there? 

Ridiculous

My life is insane and trying to suck the actual life out of me. The life that makes living actually worth it.  Ya know, the moments with friends, the time to just relax and sit and talk and breathe and laugh and be.   Im trying to fight the urge to go get in my car and drive very far away, leaving my schedule, responsibilities, and the demands on my time behind.  If you see me with a panicked look in my eyes, Im preparing to bolt.  Give me a hug and remind me I only have to keep up this pace for another month.  It's good to hear other people say it.  Hugs and prayer are the only things that are going to get me to May.  

deep breath, and...go!