i need a tissue

sometimes I am so emotional I just cant handle it. The feelings come from nowhere and suddenly I’m bawling. Not a tear or a glisten in my eye, but ugly cry. Black lines down my cheeks, eyes red and puffy, nose running, gasping for breath- you know the one.

It started with a birthday card. Actually, the card came later. It started with a text and a voicemail with love at the other end of the line. And there was appreciation and a smile but not time to dwell. The card really came first, but wasn’t discovered until today, when it brought warm memories and smiles and a picture of me surrounded by people I love wearing a birthday hat from two years and a lifetime ago. And it made me so happy and feel so loved, so I opened my box of cards and letters I have received from people I love and dug out all the ones from the person who signed this one. And I read them all and just remembered- times of closeness and distance, of frustration and annoyance and hurt, but at the same time of acceptance and encouragement and vulnerability. Usually reflecting on the way things used to be makes me really sad and lonely and pitiful. But this time, I was filled with gratitude for a time to learn and grow protected from the world and a friend to learn and grow with. A friend who became more than a friend, she’s a sister. She’s the one friend I have that I have been so mad at and frustrated with I was sure I’d never speak to again, but then I missed so much I couldn’t stand it and ended up bawling and saying I’m sorry. Looking pretty much like I do right now come to think of it. I just celebrated my first birthday without her in four years. And it was just… wrong. But right, too. She is becoming even more wonderful and skilled and kind than she already was and watching her grow into a passionate professional is exciting, even from afar. And I am growing and changing, too. So all of this word vomit is essentially to say that I love her and am so grateful God let her be in my life, whether she is sleeping on my couch or hundreds of miles away.

oh time, sweet time

I'm trying really hard to live in each moment these days. I don't know if it's all of the car accidents rolling into work, or just the realization that my life is moving full speed ahead and I don't want to miss anything. In FOUR months, I will be married. Married! In so many ways I am so ready for the day after the wedding to be here, when I can look at my new husband and giggle. But somewhere in my head it also seems like once we wed my life will suddenly change for the better: no more work or anything else that is hard in my life right now. I know this is completely ridiculous, but still the thought is there. But getting married is only one of many exciting things coming up. At the end of the month I am going to Kansas to visit my dear friend Heather! I am so excited to see where she has made a brand new life and meet the town and people she is growing to love. Heather and I have one of those rare friendships that feels like breathing. She knows me, it's just that simple and at times that scary. I am also planning a visit to Atlanta to see my friend Joy. She moved to Atlanta last summer after she got married and I miss her the way I do Heather. Without them here I have to go out and make new friends, and test and see who I trust, who I get along with, and actually let people get to know me. Which really is not something I relish. Which is why I am so excited to see both of them within a month!

But that brings me back to living in the moment. There are so many days between now and all of that, and I dont want to look back on these months as a blur of waiting. In my experience, when I do that I tend to realize how much I have missed by being so preocupied with what could happen instead of living in what was happening. So I am attempting to focus on now. The day to day where I have to make new friends and go to marriage counseling and learn how to do my taxes for the first time. Where I am trying to have more fun and fewer lists, and go out after work instead of collapsing into my bed. And in spite of how sometimes I wish I had made some very different decisions about six months ago, I am learning to be content and trust God for the everyday. A least I am trying, anyway!

So I dont forget

I just got off orientation, which means I dont have an experienced nurse with me and checking on me. I am on. my. own. So please dont get hurt and come to the hospital just yet, because I dont feel quite ready to take care of you. Drive recklessly in a few months, but not now. So i am pretty much terrified to be working on my own. BUT something amazing happened my first day.

It went really well.

Not just ok, or a mad scramble to the end hoping nothing unexpected happened, but really, truly well. I had three patients, and two were pretty much fixed and ready to go home. Nonetheless, I took care of them for 12 hours, and everything went as planned. Meds were given on time, assessments were done and charted in a timely fashion, I went to lunch at a normal time, and I was able to give report to the night shift nurse and then leave! I didn't have to stay and catch up on anything, or go over my charting and make sure I hadn't forgotten anything! I feel like I really became a nurse today. I was on my own, with no one checking in to see how I was doing, and I made it. I've been working as a nurse since July, but I felt like today I left the floor and felt at ease with myself and a job well done. I wasn't worried that I messed up or somehow harmed anyone. It was such a nice feeling! I know there will be days I leave feeling like I could be responsible for a patient deteriorating, or feel like I did a terrible job and wonder why I ever wanted/thought I could do this in the first place. But today wasnt one of those days. And I am so thankful!

On to something completly different...

It's a strange thing to feel life change like a storm blowing in. There is a certain grimness as you attempt to brace for it, but what you need to do exactly is uncertain. The period of time from May 2010 to May 2010 will bring more change to my life than I would have thought possible in January, but I can feel the effects now and see more coming. For a little explanation:

May 2010

I graduated from nursing school unsure where I would be working. I had a job offer close to home and an interview out west that was everything I thought I wanted. I went, interviewed, and never expected to be unsure if it was really what I wanted after all. There were complications I hadn't anticipated. The position wasn't what I had been led to believe it was, the city wasn't what I had pictured, and there were people, rather one person, I couldn't bear to think about leaving behind.

Summer

A month of limbo waiting and praying about where July should take me. I finally decided to take the job at home, and set about finding a place to live and a roommate. I found the perfect girl to live with, and then we found a darling little condo close to work. I had a job, a roommate, a place to live, and things seemed to be falling into place. I planned to live in the cute little condo for a few years while I learned all the things college didn't teach me.

My world was splitting in half. My one best friend moved to Kansas to follow her dreams of higher education, at which she will be brilliant. My other best friend was giddy with excitement about getting married the first week of August, then moving to Atlanta where her soon to be hubby attends seminary. I couldn't be happier for them, but at the same time I knew I was going to miss their frequent presence in my life terribly. I have found it is a rare, beautiful thing to find people who can really see the pretty and ugly parts of you at the same time, and see your heart, and love you for what they see. While trying not to be a moping, self pitying mess about my friends moving on to their futures while I felt left behind in the city where we met, I started my new job as a critical care nurse. It was a dream finally realized, and at the same time i couldn't believe all the responsibility I was entrusted with. There is a chasm from student nurse to RN, and I was just hoping to somehow fly across it. I planned for "grown up life"- I made a budget, set up a savings account, selected my health insurance plan, and took over my car insurance. My dad said he felt like he got a raise. Then, while trying not to drown at work or become a friendless hermit, something completely unexpected happened. Well, not completely, but much sooner than expected. The only boy who's ever known my heart down on one knee at a park we go to all the time. and i answered his question with "are you serious?!" then "yes!" and a giggle that couldn't be stopped.

I had the honor of being in the wedding, and as I watched all of the love in that place I couldn't wait to get married. Only 10 months to go. It didn't take long for me to become frustrated with wedding planning and details. I felt isolated,and instead of feeling joyful i began to feel resentful of all the time I was spending wedding planning. I felt that instead, i needed to be making friends and meeting people to try to fill the massive hole in my heart.

Fall

Not one to keep my thoughts to myself, Fiance and I discussed how alone and isolated i was feeling. All this time i had been rotating through seven critical care units, trying to decide where I wanted to work. As i cared for people hanging on to life with both hands, it seemed so ridiculous to spend so much energy upset about planning a wedding. Fiance gave me a hug, apologized, and said he would step up. Suddenly, it was like a burden was lifted and our relationship was right, and balanced again. I got truly excited about being engaged. School started back, and there was a pull in me that wanted to go back more than anything. To go and walk the familiar halls and see familiar faces. To read and learn and study and lose track of time at the library. I loved college, and knew that it was a precious gift of time to be and learn and grow, and that after it was over those opportunities would be harder to come by. I love to learn, and i love being in a classroom, but i was terrified of putting that into practice when people's lives were impacted by my decisions. So i went back when my friend in Kansas came to visit, but as we walked we couldn't help but notice all of the things that were different, and all of the people we didn't recognise. It made me so sad, but i realized that even if i hadn't left things would still be different. Maybe not much different, but just enough to matter. I think i left at the right time, when i wasn't ready to leave but the place still holds fond memories. Now, when i drive past the students walking to class on my way to work i can drive past and know that there is nothing there for me anymore, that I belong somewhere else. at least most days.

Now it's getting colder, and I'm looking forward to thanksgiving. And instead of talking about tests before and after break I am trying to make my work schedule as conducive to family time as I can. Then today i sat on the floor for three hours going through the 234 pictures i had printed of the last four years of my life. I laughed to myself at some, cried about others. I thought of the people in those photos and where they are now. Some of them i have no idea. Some people i left out on purpose, hoping that as i look back on this album i wont remember them, others are on every page in hopes i never forget. And it's a reminder that time just passes. And i don't need to think about counting the days till anything, but take today for what it is. I think Jesus knew I would need this reminder, so he said not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow can worry about itself. there is more than enough life in today. But that doesn't mean I am not excited to see what tomorrow has.

feel so fresh and brand new...

so to say that i have been neglecting this blog is a massive understatement. but being home, in my cloud of a bed, i wanted to revisit it and put down some of my current thoughts. so much has changed since april, and so much is completly unchanged. or, maybe not. maybe things have to continually change, even when the change goes unnoticed. but back on track. i am home for thanksgiving break! can it be true that last weekend I was in knoxville preparing to go out at this time, and the weekend before that I was dancin' it up at formal, and the weekend before that I was on sorority retreat, and so it goes?? could this semester really be going by so quickly? surely not, but then i pull the covers around me a little tighter and feel the chill that unshakably reminds me that it is fall and winter is approaching. i wonder where this semester has gone, and it is bittersweet to realize i'm not really sure. unlike previous times, this semester has not been a black hole with random bright spots, or a struggle to stay afloat above the demands and pressures and worry that threatened to bring me down. rather, it has been a string of random events. roomie night at arby's (yeah, i ate arby's). rediscovering old friendships. late nights at the kitchen table discussing life, the economy, and realizing my thoughts are not entirely unique. connecting with my major in new, unexpected ways. being content with knowing other nursing students well enough to chat but still pursuing more. making friendships work. being there for friends as they move forward. encouraging. really falling in love. struggling to figure out the future. asking questions even when i am afraid of the answer. especially that last one.

i looked at pictures of myself on facebook, and was shocked. in addition to looking super young, i thought about the way i used to be, the way i still am, and parts of me i hadn't realized had even changed. And I have changed, in mostly good ways, but it has been a cycle. i look at a picture and am reminded of how brave i felt, how grown up, how insecure, how afraid, how depressed, how bold i felt. and almost always the emotion is not outwardly displayed, but i see and i remember. maybe it is because i am almost finished with what has been a chaotic semester, or because i am home with my parents, but now i feel strong. ready. for whatever is ahead. and i like this feeling.

STRESSSSSSSS

it's that time again. that time when all i want to do is be outside or be with friends and instead I am couped up inside. i am supposed to be studying, but let's be real.  sunny days and sun dresses, lemonaide and popsicles, all scream summer.  

res life and professors disagree.  they say this is the most intense, important time.  and there lies the disconnect.

what a week and it's tuesday.  things that seemed so solid dissolve while i watch, unexpected news moves me to tears, and the cloud of cynicism hangs heavy.  oh, the contradictions. 

back to the heart...

Jesus Christ, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place ad gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Phil 2:6-11

that is really all that matters.  we can debate and discuss the rest all we want, but this the what is central, what really counts.  If you don't agree with this, than none of the rest of the discussion is relevant, because this, this most important, central part, is not in sync.  I feel like I am seeing this with a fresh heart, and it stings a little that I have gotten so wrapped up in my self and my junk that I could have ever lost sight of it, even for a moment.  Because before every other compatibility, this is what matters.