i know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel...

this way.

what a day of highs and lows.  it started with waking up to a glorious fall morning, the kind where the air quivers between the seasons, warm and gusty.  also the kind where i want to curl up with a book, the windows down and let the breeze tangle my hair.  instead, i had to go to lab.  i also woke up one very blood shot eye.  so instead of really getting ready, i made myself breakfast and coffee, watched the today show, pulled back my hair and wore comfortable clothes and shoes.  due to the weird eye, i skipped makeup and contacts, and sported the glasses instead.  walking down the street i realized i had never gone to class so beautifully unadorned, but i was feeling bright and prepared and ready for the day.  about half way through lab, my instructor approached me and, after reading my name off of my lab coat, asked if i had just joined the class.  seriously.  i have talked with this woman several times and i sit near the front.  then it dawned on me, i was unrecognizable.  um, embarrassing... 

  

but if all is well that ends well, the morning doesn't even matter.  you brighten my day with a smile, and tonight, orange flowers.  i'm not sure what they are called (i'm sure you do) but they are lovely.  and i felt my eyes get big when i opened the door and there they were, and all i could say was pretty....  and as i sit here in your sweatshirt, wearing the hood, all i can do is smile and wonder if you even know how amazing you are? 

how am i supposed to know when it starts?

i think i know where i am.  but then i get distracted by the way your lips turn up when you look at my eyes.  and then my mind starts on a trail i never saw until i'm halfway down it and when i glance around i dont recognize anything, yet everything is familiar.  but everything is brighter this time, more vivid and real. like maybe i've seen a version of whatever this is before, but it was only an imitation and this is the real thing.  but i don't really know what's real, so i really couldn't tell you if this is legit or just a better knockoff than the last one.  

i say my thoughts out loud to other people hoping that they will make sense in the time between leaving my mouth and returning to my ears, like the journey through the air will act like developer on the film of my thoughts, producing a picture when the sound returns to my ears, to be processed by my brain again upon re-entry.  and i think they do, but then i feel your gaze, and when i look up all thoughts i was having get scattered by those eyes the color of the ocean, blue and green with a hint of gold.  and like the ocean they swallow me, and i don't want to break away, until i realize i think i was talking and trailed away mid-sentence.  so i blush and look away and tuck my hair behind my ear and try to remember what i was saying, hoping you don't notice how scattered i am, but at the same time hoping that you do.  and then right when i have almost recovered you reach for my hand and i'm gone again.

and it scares me, my complete lack of composure.  i'm good at the game face, the unaffected, unnerved persona that acts as a shield when i dont want people to get to close.  i'm antsy and you ask why, and i cant tell you that i'm worried you arent as affected by me as i am by you.  and i dont tell you how much i love it when your hand slides down my arm or you run your fingers through my hair.  i feel like you've shared more of yourself than i have let you see of me, which is strange because i want you to know me, but part of me is scared of giving that to you, because once you know that, you know me.  and that would make you one of four or five.  and that's a big deal.  so instead i smile and lean in to you and keep my thoughts behind the veil of my darkened eyelashes.

Hm...

 Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree.

Oh september. such a month of transition.  it's like those days when you wake up the the world is just different.  you can breathe in the change, it surrounds you like fog.  life. death.  and all of the beauty in between.  such a neat picture of life. 

What if...

What if this thing I've poured so much time into turns out to be the worst thing I've ever been a part of?  What if I'm wasting my time and am just waiting to get my heart broken?  What if the people I rely on the most aren't there when I need them?  What if I am setting myself up for a career that I won't enjoy? 

What if it all goes right?

Stuck in my head

How does that happen, anyway?  Is there some sort of formula that guarantees a song will be a winner? when i grow up... I like music, i really do, but sometimes I want my head to be quiet.  I want to turn the music off ...i wanna be famous... and i want silence.  i just want to think and wonder, I dont want stuff, noise,...i wanna be a star... bouncing around.  where is the mute button?  If the brain is such an awesome, complex thing, there should at least be a mute button.