my dear acquaintance...

how do you ever really know you know someone?  people are always changing, shifting, growing, or... sadly not, even as everyone changes around them.  People have filters about what they share, assumptions cause miscommunication, what is meant is not what is said.  it's so confusing sometimes.  you can think you know someone, and then they say something that makes you stop and think, "really?"  but then, how well do the people in my life really know me?  Some definitely know me better than others, and some know different sides of me that others will likely never see.  maybe that's bad, or maybe its a self defense mechanism.   

wouldn't it be nice

if everyone said exactly what they meant, and no one got their feelings hurt?  

if no one made assumptions?

if people didn't worry about the perception of others?

if people came with an accurate description of who they were so you could appreciate them for who they are instead of who they try to be, or who you want them to be?

or maybe it's better that everything is not fully revealed.  i used to think it would be, that after a certain point you would know a person well enough that there would be no question you couldn't ask, no detail you wouldn't know.  complete openness without feeling vulnerable, just accepted because they were being just as open.  i just thought i had never had those kinds of friends, that my relationships were incomplete somehow.  but now i'm beginning to think that complete, utter honesty can't happen in human relationships, and that only God will ever know me that way.  people are complicated, messy, and distrustful. even when they don't mean to be.  there is just a fundamental insecurity, a belief that if people really knew, then...  i think i have seen glimpses of such mutual honesty, and it's so beautiful you want to capture it.  but at the same time you know that to capture it would take away some of the beauty, some of the mystery.  because really, isn't that the point? relationships aren't a four lane highway, speeding along at a steady speed toward a known destination, changing lanes occasionally but never changing direction.  but the good ones, the ones worth having, are a trail in the woods, twisting, turning, sometimes open with room to run, but then the path veers and it's a tight squeeze and you might stumble, and get a busted knee or two, but it's an adventure, and you don't know where you are going except for you want to go further in.  And maybe, even though there is comfort in predictability, there is more life to be found in the path you make for yourself.  

It's a new year!

What a year it's been!  In a lot of ways I feel like this year has transformed me into a different person; I feel lucky to have survived.  It's been a year of scarce highs and unbelievable lows.  I really think, more than ever, that God really doesn't give us more than we can handle, but this year it felt like i was in a vice, and someone just kept tightening it, squeezing, way past when I would have like them to stop.  In three words: lonely, overwhelmed, desperate.  But there were bright spots, too.  Times that my heart felt like it might float away. i was so happy, so free. beauty in the midst of a time I didn't see the end. wonder, hope, love.

And this new year has just begun, and it's still new and bright and shiny!  Not that life is perfect, or all of the things that made last year hard have magically disappeared.  But I have so much hope, and I'm excited for so many things!