"These are my people, this is where i come from...

Spring break is over.  its sad.  im even less ready to face the rest of the semester than i was before.  but is been good.  a sweet time with my family and a ridiculous time with friends. 

Oh, family.  ive missed them.  sometimes i get so caught up in this mindset of "i need to be independant, and have my own life, and pursue all of this stuff", that i forget how much i love a relaxed day with my parents and sister.  "... its aint always pretty, but its real.  Its the way we were made, wouldnt have it any other way, these are my people."

Ponder

I am an imperfect person.  sometimes i forget. i think nothing i do gets on people's nerves.  nothing i say hurts the feelings of others. i am flawless. but lets be real, thats a lie. ways i have realized i have been wrong in the last few hours:

1. willfully misunderstanding my sister

2. being prideful i knew something my mother did not

3.  thinking i am intelligent enough to read the screwtape letters in an afternoon.

the first two, pretty obvious.  but that last one, really surprised me.  its prideful (im noticing a trend... something to work on), but i really thought i'd be finished with it by now.  its not very long.  and it was all i really had planned to do today. and usually i read pretty fast.  

but wow.  im only about 1/3 of the way in.  the language is excellent.  rich, descriptive vocabulary- which i love.  but i've really had to slow down, and think, and be all contemplative- which i also love. but im really struggling. struggling to understand and absorb the words from the page.  and its not that im uninterested.  im so interested its frustrating. thank you c.s. lewis for overwhelming my brain.  i think im going to need to re-read it when i finally finish to catch the things im sure i am missing. 

but i have never loved reading more than i did today.  and im a nursing major.  im supposed to read a ton of stuff all of the time. but this reading is different.  its mentally stimulating.  and takes all of my concentration. and half an hour goes by and i've only flipped a few pages.  and its wonderful. 

i love spring break. 

Singin in the rain...

is what i feel like doing today.  i have always loved the recklessness of playing in the rain.  its fun the same way playing with fireworks on the driveway in the middle of summer is; you know at any moment something could go terribly wrong, but its just to thrilling to stop and walk away from the matches.  i need to do something.  something to break the routine. any ideas?

This Colorful World

Life is good in Lauren-land.  Long lost friends are wonderful. and so what i need right now.  its amazing how god's timing is perfect every time.  what are the odds that two members of my friend-family would be on springbreak at the same time, and it would be a good week for them to come back to nashville? but it was, and they came, and its like they never left. 

 i've been noticing this alot lately, that even though i sometimes feel so alone, i have people in my life just waiting for me to reach out and get out of the dark, self centered hole i sometimes crawl into.  when i realize my pain is largely self-inflicted,  and climb back into the world of light, i see that there are people who love me and are wondering where I went.  i should stop disappearing.  

lyric i love today:  wake the sleeping beauty in your soul....will you ever fall in love again? - Eliot Morris

Drawing lines.

im a girl with ten thousand things on her plate on the verge of coming undone.  but this cant wait.  it's just too important to get put on one of my lists of things to do.  i feel as if something within my soul has broken free and needs to stand guard.  because my friends need protecting.  they need their hearts and minds protected from the constant assault they are under that tells them they are not enough.  because the thing is... they are.  

it mystifies me that they are unaware of their brilliance.  that they cant see themselves the way i see them.  so i am going to show them, tell them, and remind them of who they really are.  i am going to be real, vulnerable and exposed and dare them to join me. and its scary.  i think we are all so afraid of being really seen, but i believe it is exactly what we need.  

hiding isnt bringing contentment and you know it.  its going to be hard.  but will you trust me?

Winter Wonderland

whew.  what a day.  seriously, it was wonderful.  fk brings so much to my life.  i love her dearly.  as we talked about our future plans over indian food, i couldnt help but think how different we are.  and not just in the intensity of spice our taste buds can handle (she ordered native hot, which is above and beyond american hot, making my choice of medium seem a little lame), but in really big ways, too. and yet... when we talk there is so much comfort, so much understanding.  its like, 

"wow, you get it. your dreams are bigger than the sky, and you dont know if you are going to make it either, but you wont be satisfied until you try as hard as you can. im glad we can do this whole sky's the limit, follow our dreams thing together."

 so good. so what I needed. 

then we went to see belmont play.  wow, i really think it was the best, most intense game i have ever watched.  when a three point shot was made with 38 seconds left on the clock putting us just one point ahead, it felt like my insides were on the verge of exploding.  then a player was fouled and allowed to make two free throws.  he calmly walked to the line, and made the shots cleanly and with an ease i cant even imagine.  just like, im sure, he does every day in practice.  practice really does prepare you for the future.  I really hope what i am doing now is preparing me for life so i can be calm and come through when i am desperately needed. 

and then, it snowed. and life was good.

I still haven't found what Im lookin' for

hide and go seek used to be my favorite game. i would play until the sky had grown black; the deep, velvety black unique to the summer sky. The darkness added to the rush of seeking, and we fumbled. 

       tripping.

              falling. 

                   searching. for the elusive hiders. you never knew when someone would leave their hiding place and sneak up on the seeker, eliciting a scream that could be heard for blocks. so much was unknown, and uncertainty was the cause of the excitement. In the morning i would wake with bruises and scrapes of unknown origin, proof that the intensity of the night had not been a dream.

my life lately has been like a game of hide and seek. Thrilling and wonderful, but incredibly uncertain.  Im the seeker, searching for the mysterious, elusive things i think i want out of life. but just like a child fumbling in the darkness, i don't really know where i am going or what i am looking for. i've been stumbling around a lot, and i have fallen, hard, more than once.  i have the marks to prove it.  that exciting uncertainty drives the search, yet makes me terrified at the same time.  but its the kind of fear that is thrilling, because it contains the hope that there is something worth finding. that the search is not futile.  because sometimes, you cant see the future coming.  it jumps out of the dark, and there is no way to be ready.  you just have to react, and pray you made the right choice. 

Im not gonna write you a love song...

I dont know why I love this song so much. But I do. So much so that I turn it up super loud and sing along.  And I dont really sing.  Because Im pretty much tone deaf.  But I sing this song- loudly and regardless of who is in the car with me.  I think I like it because it reminds me of myself a little- carefree and bold.  I like to think i am, anyway.  

 and this weekend was fantastic because i was.  I had coffee with a friend, and as we talked and she told me her story, I walked a little farther into who she really is.  and i let her see who i really am.  

...and it was great. 

I love living out the fullest expression of what i am feeling.  I felt joyful on Saturday, and the day was wonderful.  I have a friend I love dearly, but due to our busy lives I dont see often.  Our friendship is special, though, and each time we are together it as if no time has passed.  We spent all day together, and  laughed and literally bubbled as we enjoyed the beautiful day.  We went to a park and flew a kite!  I love laughing, and i laughed for over an hour as we ran around like six year olds whose attention was entirely captivated by the streamers fluttering in the wind.  Our cries of delight drew stares, but I was fully alive and loving it.