I wish i could cry and feel better instead of worse. and when you ask if i'm ok, i wish i could say well, no actually, i feel like things are crumbling. instead, i smile even as my vision is blurred by the tears that are threatening to fall. and i turn away and i get out my books and try to escape into the world of academia. it won't be the first time. but i can't focus on the words, and as hard as i try the tears are determined to mess up my makeup, creating little blue puddles in the book. i hurriedly brush them off- i don't want there to be evidence of my undoing. closing my eyes, i think i actually see things for the first time. there is clarity as i squeeze my eyes shut, and i vainly think how i'm such an ugly crier, but that thought is a temporary deferment from the reality that things are different. and they will stay that way, because i've seen this movie before and i know how it goes. i know my part well, your face is different but the lines are the same. and i know there is nothing i can say to change anything, because i've tried and it ends the same. i know in my head that this isn't really about me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
as you go, know that a part of me goes with you.
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