i need a tissue

sometimes I am so emotional I just cant handle it. The feelings come from nowhere and suddenly I’m bawling. Not a tear or a glisten in my eye, but ugly cry. Black lines down my cheeks, eyes red and puffy, nose running, gasping for breath- you know the one.

It started with a birthday card. Actually, the card came later. It started with a text and a voicemail with love at the other end of the line. And there was appreciation and a smile but not time to dwell. The card really came first, but wasn’t discovered until today, when it brought warm memories and smiles and a picture of me surrounded by people I love wearing a birthday hat from two years and a lifetime ago. And it made me so happy and feel so loved, so I opened my box of cards and letters I have received from people I love and dug out all the ones from the person who signed this one. And I read them all and just remembered- times of closeness and distance, of frustration and annoyance and hurt, but at the same time of acceptance and encouragement and vulnerability. Usually reflecting on the way things used to be makes me really sad and lonely and pitiful. But this time, I was filled with gratitude for a time to learn and grow protected from the world and a friend to learn and grow with. A friend who became more than a friend, she’s a sister. She’s the one friend I have that I have been so mad at and frustrated with I was sure I’d never speak to again, but then I missed so much I couldn’t stand it and ended up bawling and saying I’m sorry. Looking pretty much like I do right now come to think of it. I just celebrated my first birthday without her in four years. And it was just… wrong. But right, too. She is becoming even more wonderful and skilled and kind than she already was and watching her grow into a passionate professional is exciting, even from afar. And I am growing and changing, too. So all of this word vomit is essentially to say that I love her and am so grateful God let her be in my life, whether she is sleeping on my couch or hundreds of miles away.

oh time, sweet time

I'm trying really hard to live in each moment these days. I don't know if it's all of the car accidents rolling into work, or just the realization that my life is moving full speed ahead and I don't want to miss anything. In FOUR months, I will be married. Married! In so many ways I am so ready for the day after the wedding to be here, when I can look at my new husband and giggle. But somewhere in my head it also seems like once we wed my life will suddenly change for the better: no more work or anything else that is hard in my life right now. I know this is completely ridiculous, but still the thought is there. But getting married is only one of many exciting things coming up. At the end of the month I am going to Kansas to visit my dear friend Heather! I am so excited to see where she has made a brand new life and meet the town and people she is growing to love. Heather and I have one of those rare friendships that feels like breathing. She knows me, it's just that simple and at times that scary. I am also planning a visit to Atlanta to see my friend Joy. She moved to Atlanta last summer after she got married and I miss her the way I do Heather. Without them here I have to go out and make new friends, and test and see who I trust, who I get along with, and actually let people get to know me. Which really is not something I relish. Which is why I am so excited to see both of them within a month!

But that brings me back to living in the moment. There are so many days between now and all of that, and I dont want to look back on these months as a blur of waiting. In my experience, when I do that I tend to realize how much I have missed by being so preocupied with what could happen instead of living in what was happening. So I am attempting to focus on now. The day to day where I have to make new friends and go to marriage counseling and learn how to do my taxes for the first time. Where I am trying to have more fun and fewer lists, and go out after work instead of collapsing into my bed. And in spite of how sometimes I wish I had made some very different decisions about six months ago, I am learning to be content and trust God for the everyday. A least I am trying, anyway!