i need a tissue

sometimes I am so emotional I just cant handle it. The feelings come from nowhere and suddenly I’m bawling. Not a tear or a glisten in my eye, but ugly cry. Black lines down my cheeks, eyes red and puffy, nose running, gasping for breath- you know the one.

It started with a birthday card. Actually, the card came later. It started with a text and a voicemail with love at the other end of the line. And there was appreciation and a smile but not time to dwell. The card really came first, but wasn’t discovered until today, when it brought warm memories and smiles and a picture of me surrounded by people I love wearing a birthday hat from two years and a lifetime ago. And it made me so happy and feel so loved, so I opened my box of cards and letters I have received from people I love and dug out all the ones from the person who signed this one. And I read them all and just remembered- times of closeness and distance, of frustration and annoyance and hurt, but at the same time of acceptance and encouragement and vulnerability. Usually reflecting on the way things used to be makes me really sad and lonely and pitiful. But this time, I was filled with gratitude for a time to learn and grow protected from the world and a friend to learn and grow with. A friend who became more than a friend, she’s a sister. She’s the one friend I have that I have been so mad at and frustrated with I was sure I’d never speak to again, but then I missed so much I couldn’t stand it and ended up bawling and saying I’m sorry. Looking pretty much like I do right now come to think of it. I just celebrated my first birthday without her in four years. And it was just… wrong. But right, too. She is becoming even more wonderful and skilled and kind than she already was and watching her grow into a passionate professional is exciting, even from afar. And I am growing and changing, too. So all of this word vomit is essentially to say that I love her and am so grateful God let her be in my life, whether she is sleeping on my couch or hundreds of miles away.