The little things you do to me

agh. ever unexpectedly hear/see/whatever something that used to really mean something to you, like touched a part of your soul in a way that made you think "this is permanent," but now, this time, you feel... nothing? no stir, no fondness or pain. nothing.

is it just a natural moving on? or is it something more sinister? did something in you die, causing the lack of response? or worse, did you kill that part of yourself in an effort to move on, mature, or make room for something else?

la la lala la

sun and sky and motion and strength and rest. life is beautiful

Sweet summer time...

summer has officially started.  but it doesnt really feel like it, yet.   maybe its because i've been back to nashville five times since i "left" for summer.  but i like it there, and it feels more like home than franklin, so i dont really mind.  and now that i'm going to be taking a class everyday for the entire month of june, i wonder when it will feel like i have a break?  maybe when i go to the beach, and see the entire family.  so many people who love each other in one place! it makes me sad that families dont all live in the same towns anymore.  whoo hoo for progress and all, but i bet the days when families lived in the same community for generations was wonderful.  you would never have to go very far for a hug when you'd had a hard day, which in my opinion is always a good thing.

when you are in college, summer is such a funny time.  we look forward to it, and yet when it comes and we have time to relax and just be, all of the people we want to spend time with are gone.  and we ourselves are in these places that may have once been familiar, be we have put so much time and effort into building new lives and new families at school that our homes, those places our parents live, are just that: the places our parents live.  because we dont live there.  nine out of twelve months are spent somewhere else.  but those places, those homes, offer so much sanctuary.  its restful, like being on a vacation.  but kind of like being on vacation by yourself, because the people you share the house with have lives that they are living and dont stop just because you are home for three months.  and i think thats good.   going somewhere where life is continual and you are the interruption is a humbling relief.  summer is this time to step away from the routine of life and reevaluate things.  important things, like relationships, goals, and yourself.  it's also an opportunity to explore new things you normally dont think you have time for and pursue things you've been putting off, like reading books or learning new things.  

so much possibility and potential.  i love it! 

swirls of confusion

i dont even know.  when i think about where i am right now my stomach lurches, and i wonder if the heave was noticeable.  I hope not, but it feels so strong, so powerful, that it seems impossible it wasnt visible.  ugh. i used to be so sure of what i wanted, and now....?  confusion on all fronts. what to do, what to feel, what do i want, what do i need, what makes me really alive?  and honestly, i dont know.  

i know that when i am with someone consequences dont seem to exist.

i know that i love to laugh.  and smile. and just enjoy life.

i know that sometimes when my phone rings, and i see who is calling, i forget what movie i am about to see.

i know there are some things i will never say, no matter how much i may want to.

i know i need people in my life that can love and accept me for exactly who i am, and not try to change anything about me.

i know i want to be passionate about everything that i do.

i know we need to be passionate about some of the same things.

and really, those seven things are all i really know right now.  

The brink of something beautiful

here we go: i'm going home, summer is just beginning, new experiences, relationships to continue building without the burden and distraction of school, reflecting, evaluating, reading, warm nights, learning, laughing, family.  

ah, i cant wait. 

Adventures?

I love adventures.  All kinds of them.  I see life as an adventure, and this part, the studying-for-finals-so-i-keep-my-gpa-high part, is not very exciting.  

but thats only the sub-polt.  

the real action is what goes on before and after the final exams; the last conversations with people before they scatter for summer vacation, the sunburns in the park, the palpable anticipation for the summer and for what lies beyond.  the new year.  

this entire year has been building up to this moment:  ra training and hp sleeping on my couch only because heron didn't have hot water,  late night conversations as a friendship was built,  recruitment late nights and tears, a surprising friendship that turned out to be exactly what i needed, lonely afternoons,  connections,  new friends,  misunderstandings made right, discovering jk and being vulnerable, intentional coffee dates, learning patience, being disappointed and hopeful in the same afternoon, feeling every emotion, cutting ties, seeing potential, and at the end of all that knowing that i have people in my life who love me and who i love in return.  real love, the kind that's real and i've rarely found outside the bonds of family.

it hasn't been easy or always fun, but this year was what it was and it brought me here.  and i like what i see.  too far in to the lives of my friends to even think about finding my way out.  but i don't want out, i want farther in.   

"it takes some fears to make you trust. life is wonderful, life goes full circle" jason mraz