Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Everything's right, everything's right tonight

sometimes all i want to do is smile.  or laugh.  or run around skipping.  like right now.

because, in spite of everything that makes me feel pitiful, life is great.  the very fact that there are stars and leaves and the smiles of children makes it wonderful.  how did i ever forget?

"windows down as the night rolls in, tap a beat on the wheel as the tires spin, until we're there crank the radio, we'll join in on the songs we know..."

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

waitin'

I don't like things being unsettled.  i like to know what is going on, i like to have a plan, i like lists, i  like to have answers.  but lately i've had more questions than answers.  i'm not so good at waiting for the answers, but some things just cant be rushed.  no one has the answers, we all just have to wait and see. 

Sunday, July 20, 2008

isn't it ironic

i love my family more than anything in the world.  i look forward to going home so much, and guard my time with them like it is precious, because it is.  due to a busy school schedule, i don't go home very much, so i try to soak up everything i can when i am with my family.  but sometimes i just want to disappear.  or better, make them disappear.  because for all of the love, they know just what to do to make me the most miserable.  in addition to the things said and done directly, its things that no one else would really notice, the glances, subtle pauses in a conversation, the shift in body language, all things that have taken a lifetime to work on and perfect for optimal damage.   

isn't it crazy how the people you love the most are the ones who can hurt you the worst?

At the end of the day...

i realize a lot of things i dont want to. i realize that too often i speak without thinking.  i make judgements about people and situations.  i am prideful.  i am not in control.  i dont know what i am doing.  i offer insight i dont have.  i'm scared of losing the things that mean the most to me. 

i'm done shifting the focus to other people or circumstances.  the short comings are mine, i accept that. noone could have told me this, i had to discover it on my own.  and it hurts, like all self inflicted injuries.  but i dont want to dodge the blame, or shrug off the hurt i am capable of causing.  i'm guilty.  

Saturday, July 12, 2008

oh, art

i love art.  so much.  but i feel like an impostor sometimes, living in a city full of people just bursting with artistic.... something.  this artistry seems to ooze out of them, evident in the way they wear their hair, the combination of colors in their clothes, and the music that just flows through the city.  and me? well, it's safe to say no one looks at the dresses i love, the Sperry's that are often on my feet, and all of the pink and thinks "there is a girl/woman who loves art" like because i don't look "artsy" means my interest isn't true.  but really, the love is genuine.  i love 
the way you can read a person by looking at their eyes 
the way a photograph can capture feelings 
the way form evokes mood
the way colors create texture
the way light can be captured
the way art can make you feel

i think that is what i like the best.  because i like to feel deeply. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

to be glad of life

to be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars...  life is wonderful, life goes full circle

glorious! that's what today was.  it started dreary, then cleared as i went north, and then out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and it was fun and there was laughter and good questions and normalcy.  and so now i have other questions, questions for myself.  questions i want answers to but am afraid to ask.  

smile. 

Friday, July 4, 2008

Come with me if you want to live

that feeling in my stomach.  the one i don't know if i like or not, but whenever it isn't there i miss.  the sensation that my heart may in fact explode. the unexpected, unknown, and unpredictable.   must be an adventure!   class is finally over, and summer is officially allowed to begin!  No more feeling like time spent with friends is time stolen from studying.  It's incredibly freeing to turn in a final exam.  yay for independence! 

i love my parents.  i think they are amazing, but not because they are perfect.  their imperfection becomes more obvious the longer i am home.  gone are the days when i thought they were infallible, but instead of being disillusioned, i see them for who they are.  we've had real conversations, person to person instead of parent to child, and i've been getting to know them in a completely fresh way.  I love it! and it's only the beginning of july, so much is yet to be

i've been wondering what the rest of the summer is going to look like.  there is a lot that could happen, a lot i want to happen, but nothing is certain.  i don't know why, but lately i've really been thinking about how life/ people/ places/ relationships is so uncertain.  nothing stays the same.  a friendship is never where you left it when you go to pick it back up.  things age.  places change.  people die.  it has the potential to be a really bad thing.  but there is also the option to intervene and prevent some of the decay.  it takes some attention, and maybe even work, but it can be done.  if you decide its worth it.  and it usually is.  

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

One More Day!

Summer session is almost over.  By this time tomorrow I will be finished with General Chemistry 1. I can actually have normal summer sleeping habits.  And stay out past 10pm without turning into a zombie.  And read.  And be outside.  And not worry.  Or study.  And fully open to all of the possibilities that not going to class every day brings!  Glory!