feel so fresh and brand new...

so to say that i have been neglecting this blog is a massive understatement. but being home, in my cloud of a bed, i wanted to revisit it and put down some of my current thoughts. so much has changed since april, and so much is completly unchanged. or, maybe not. maybe things have to continually change, even when the change goes unnoticed. but back on track. i am home for thanksgiving break! can it be true that last weekend I was in knoxville preparing to go out at this time, and the weekend before that I was dancin' it up at formal, and the weekend before that I was on sorority retreat, and so it goes?? could this semester really be going by so quickly? surely not, but then i pull the covers around me a little tighter and feel the chill that unshakably reminds me that it is fall and winter is approaching. i wonder where this semester has gone, and it is bittersweet to realize i'm not really sure. unlike previous times, this semester has not been a black hole with random bright spots, or a struggle to stay afloat above the demands and pressures and worry that threatened to bring me down. rather, it has been a string of random events. roomie night at arby's (yeah, i ate arby's). rediscovering old friendships. late nights at the kitchen table discussing life, the economy, and realizing my thoughts are not entirely unique. connecting with my major in new, unexpected ways. being content with knowing other nursing students well enough to chat but still pursuing more. making friendships work. being there for friends as they move forward. encouraging. really falling in love. struggling to figure out the future. asking questions even when i am afraid of the answer. especially that last one.

i looked at pictures of myself on facebook, and was shocked. in addition to looking super young, i thought about the way i used to be, the way i still am, and parts of me i hadn't realized had even changed. And I have changed, in mostly good ways, but it has been a cycle. i look at a picture and am reminded of how brave i felt, how grown up, how insecure, how afraid, how depressed, how bold i felt. and almost always the emotion is not outwardly displayed, but i see and i remember. maybe it is because i am almost finished with what has been a chaotic semester, or because i am home with my parents, but now i feel strong. ready. for whatever is ahead. and i like this feeling.

STRESSSSSSSS

it's that time again. that time when all i want to do is be outside or be with friends and instead I am couped up inside. i am supposed to be studying, but let's be real.  sunny days and sun dresses, lemonaide and popsicles, all scream summer.  

res life and professors disagree.  they say this is the most intense, important time.  and there lies the disconnect.

what a week and it's tuesday.  things that seemed so solid dissolve while i watch, unexpected news moves me to tears, and the cloud of cynicism hangs heavy.  oh, the contradictions. 

back to the heart...

Jesus Christ, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place ad gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Phil 2:6-11

that is really all that matters.  we can debate and discuss the rest all we want, but this the what is central, what really counts.  If you don't agree with this, than none of the rest of the discussion is relevant, because this, this most important, central part, is not in sync.  I feel like I am seeing this with a fresh heart, and it stings a little that I have gotten so wrapped up in my self and my junk that I could have ever lost sight of it, even for a moment.  Because before every other compatibility, this is what matters. 

cautiously optimistic

about the way things are going.  is this the start of something that will last, or the attempt to placate me until the fear is gone?  I'm not sure, but I want to believe the former.  Only time will reveal the answer, but in the meantime, I am thoroughly enjoying my time and your earnest eyes.  

Laugh so you don't cry...

Crazy how emotions can be equally strong and yet totally contradictory.  For example, how is it possible to want to break someone's nose and make out with them at the same time?  I'm not sure, but I am here to tell you it is indeed possible.  I try to find a balance between the emotions and end up feeling nothing.  I don't expect people to read my mind, but when I explain what I am thinking I really don't think it is too much to expect you not to be an idiot. Questions like, "so, seeing you for a little bit is better than not seeing you at all?" deserve a slap to the face and leave me muttering under my breath.  I used to think people who loved someone who made them want to scream were nuts and pathetic... oh, wait. that sounds familiar...  

I feel disappointed and isolated and i have done nothing wrong. So, I am backing away slowly.  if you want to stop me, and I hope you do, i've told you how- if you were listening. 

Polar bears and sore muscles

Running at 6 a.m. is an interesting idea.  Especially when no one is making you and you do it just for the sake of feeling awake and alive.  Runing never loses it's magic for me, no matter how many times I try to break up with it.  There is just something wonderful about it that makes me take it back.  The way the legs and lungs work together, in combination with muscles and bones and joints and all reasons i wanted to do medicine in the first place.  There is harmony in the exertion, and i love it.  I loved it today more than most.  Perhaps it was running alongside a good friend and recalling an endeavor that took place almost a year ago.  I have done quite a bit of running, but in my mind i think running will always make me think of hlp.  Running and ranting, running in the rain, running with a stress fracture, running to check something off the list, running for exercise, running to catch up, running to rant some more.  So now it is 12, and I've been up since 5, and I know I'll crash later, but for now i am just content to regard my achy legs with a smile and no small amount of pride. After all, these suckers consistently carried me 3.1 miles this morning, not even counting every day of my life.   

I think i would label this feeling: content. 

A thousand shattered pieces

i met jane in the center of the earth, it was dark and there was dirt all around, but i gather you can figure that....

 I wish i could cry and feel better instead of worse.  and when you ask if i'm ok, i wish i could say well, no actually, i feel like things are crumbling.  instead, i smile even as my vision is blurred by the tears that are threatening to fall.  and i turn away and i get out my books and try to escape into the world of academia.  it won't be the first time.  but i can't focus on the words, and as hard as i try the tears are determined to mess up my makeup, creating little blue puddles in the book.  i hurriedly brush them off- i don't want there to be evidence of my undoing.  closing my eyes, i think i actually see things for the first time.  there is clarity as i squeeze my eyes shut, and i vainly think how i'm such an ugly crier, but that thought is a temporary deferment from the reality that things are different.  and they will stay that way, because i've seen this movie before and i know how it goes.  i know my part well, your face is different but the lines are the same.  and i know there is nothing i can say to change anything, because i've tried and it ends the same.  i know in my head that this isn't really about me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

as you go, know that a part of me goes with you.  

my dear acquaintance...

how do you ever really know you know someone?  people are always changing, shifting, growing, or... sadly not, even as everyone changes around them.  People have filters about what they share, assumptions cause miscommunication, what is meant is not what is said.  it's so confusing sometimes.  you can think you know someone, and then they say something that makes you stop and think, "really?"  but then, how well do the people in my life really know me?  Some definitely know me better than others, and some know different sides of me that others will likely never see.  maybe that's bad, or maybe its a self defense mechanism.   

wouldn't it be nice

if everyone said exactly what they meant, and no one got their feelings hurt?  

if no one made assumptions?

if people didn't worry about the perception of others?

if people came with an accurate description of who they were so you could appreciate them for who they are instead of who they try to be, or who you want them to be?

or maybe it's better that everything is not fully revealed.  i used to think it would be, that after a certain point you would know a person well enough that there would be no question you couldn't ask, no detail you wouldn't know.  complete openness without feeling vulnerable, just accepted because they were being just as open.  i just thought i had never had those kinds of friends, that my relationships were incomplete somehow.  but now i'm beginning to think that complete, utter honesty can't happen in human relationships, and that only God will ever know me that way.  people are complicated, messy, and distrustful. even when they don't mean to be.  there is just a fundamental insecurity, a belief that if people really knew, then...  i think i have seen glimpses of such mutual honesty, and it's so beautiful you want to capture it.  but at the same time you know that to capture it would take away some of the beauty, some of the mystery.  because really, isn't that the point? relationships aren't a four lane highway, speeding along at a steady speed toward a known destination, changing lanes occasionally but never changing direction.  but the good ones, the ones worth having, are a trail in the woods, twisting, turning, sometimes open with room to run, but then the path veers and it's a tight squeeze and you might stumble, and get a busted knee or two, but it's an adventure, and you don't know where you are going except for you want to go further in.  And maybe, even though there is comfort in predictability, there is more life to be found in the path you make for yourself.  

It's a new year!

What a year it's been!  In a lot of ways I feel like this year has transformed me into a different person; I feel lucky to have survived.  It's been a year of scarce highs and unbelievable lows.  I really think, more than ever, that God really doesn't give us more than we can handle, but this year it felt like i was in a vice, and someone just kept tightening it, squeezing, way past when I would have like them to stop.  In three words: lonely, overwhelmed, desperate.  But there were bright spots, too.  Times that my heart felt like it might float away. i was so happy, so free. beauty in the midst of a time I didn't see the end. wonder, hope, love.

And this new year has just begun, and it's still new and bright and shiny!  Not that life is perfect, or all of the things that made last year hard have magically disappeared.  But I have so much hope, and I'm excited for so many things!