Insert Catchy Title Here ________.

so i've decided leap day is one of the oddest things ever.  A day that only happens every four years? where does it go?! and who decided it was a good idea to invent a day that only happens sometimes? better question, why did people go along with this idea?.....

....I would really like to be a superhero. a cool one, not one of those lame ones that fly or something.  I would want to be able to selectively get inside peoples brains and make them think about something I wanted to know.  Manipulative? Maybe.  But think about it- dont you want to know if someone really likes your new sweater, or is interested in you, or if they really want you to come or are just inviting you to be nice, or if your dog has thoughts? I wouldnt want to be able to hear peoples thoughts all of the time, i would just want selective information....

........"I've learned the hard way, that they all say, things you want to hear"  that phrase has been true in my life more times than I really care to think about.  The hurt that comes with it lingers long after the person who inflicted the pain has moved out of my life.  But Im not goona lie, sometimes its nice.  Sometimes I dont care if you mean it, I just need to hear you say it.  It may be self-destructive, but sometimes, just for now, I need to believe you .....

Lies

Ever wonder why people lie? Lies never solve things or make them better, they just complicate life.  even the ones that seem small and not even really worth telling.  but the worst lies are the ones we believe about ourselves, and worse yet are the lies we tell ourselves.  Those lies do the most damage becuase we take them in and shelter them from truths people tell us, clinging to them despite evidence to the contrary.  we hold on to them for years, often forgetting the source or why we still believe them.  But we do believe them, and from what I have seen they always destroy people.  chipping away at who they are, and who they are meant to be.

I have a friend who is beautiful.  one of those people who is just striking. but she wont believe you when you reassure her that she isnt ugly.

I have another friend who is fantasticly funny.  he makes me laugh consantly.  but he is so self concious that he barely says anything around people he doesnt know well.

and me... wow.  god has really been making me aware of the lies i am believing about myself.  its painful to see the truth, and see how deceived i have been.  how much time has been wasted and opportunities missed because i wouldnt or couldnt see what was real.  but now the blinders are coming off, and it hurts the same way going outside on a sunny day hurts my eyes.  so much light, so much truth.  but its a hurt that contains the promise of something better, something more.  the pain will stop, and life will begin again after i have gotten accustomed to the light/truth and i am able to see things for what they are.  

i refuse to believe the lies anymore, and i am finally willing to deal with the pain the truth brings.  because i cant keep doing what i am doing, it just hurts to much to feel myself suffocating.  

"head underwater, and they tell me, to breathe easy for awhile. Breathing gets harder, even i know that"  

 

Craziness

I might be the most awkward person ever.  I really hope not, but sometimes I wonder.  I say what is on my mind, Im not afraid of confronting people, and I sometimes take things too far.  I dont really apologize for any of that, I like who I am.  And now, to add to the awkwardness, I am on crutches.  For three weeks.  And I am quickly discovering things about myself that I thought were good, to be not so good after all.  

I am a very independent person.  I can handle myself and dont really need your help, thank you very much.   But now, the crutches are forcing me to see that my independence and self sufficiency is a crutch i use to protect myself.  If I am not relying on people, they cant let me down.  If i dont trust them, they cant hurt me.  If I hold people at a distance, they cant see who I really am.  And now, with these crutches, I have to rely on other people.  And its hard.  I hate to admit that, but it is hard for me to let people open doors for me, or carry my plate in the caf, or even just be concerned.  How stupid is that?!  Because I cant carry anything, and opening doors is difficult, and I really do need help.  But I dont want to admit that because it feels like I've failed somehow.  Which is even more ridiculous than  not wanting help I need.  When will what I need become what I want?  ugh...  

Laughing till i cry, oh my

I really should be studying.  because I have a test i am unprepared for in just a few hours.  but i cant stop thinking about the previous few hours.  sometimes i just love my life so much i want to be able to encapsulate segments of time so i can relive them later when i feel like life is not so great.  In the last four hours, i have:

-watched hp step put of a time capsule from 1970 and return to the present 

-played frisbee on the guad and all the way to the bookstore (14 consistent catches, if you were wondering) on our way to meet up with jk 

-played frisbee inside the bookstore where we ran into ps, who joined us for lunch

-spent an hour and a half in the caf laughing, talking and being generally loud and obnoxious

-played monkey in the middle 

-chased and was chased all the way back to my apartment

-illegally decorated mk's door 

-went to the bank (which was closed since it is a federal holiday.  thank you, mr president) 

-got coffee at bongo

-bought groceries.  

So much fun, so much life.  i wish everyday could be so much fun.  i love to laugh.  really laugh in a stomach-hurts-eyes-might-start-to-water kind of way.  who knew three such different people could make my day? so thank you friends for being ridiculous and wonderful.  and thank you god for wonderful friends.

fractured pieces

When do you let someone or something go?  when do you say im finished with this?  more importantly, how?  how do you detach your soul from someone else's? its bound to be a messy process.  any time you let someone get to know you, really know you, you end up giving a little piece of yourself away.  and that's usually fine.  good even.  we need others to know us and understand us and we need to know them.  

but what about when you want that piece of you back?  when you need to just let the person slide from your life and you dont want them to take that piece with them? the things people say, like "everything happens for a reason" or "maybe it's just time" do nothing to soothe a hurting soul or restore the missing piece.  what does?  I have no idea.  

I just know i dont know how to let go, or when to say there is nothing here for me anymore and walk away.  because even when i think i have 'let it go' and moved on or past it or whatever, something happens, or is said, or i see a glance across a room and suddenly its just there.  the connectedness i thought i had severed.  there, real, and FRESH.  and im back where i started with no idea how i got there or what I am supposed to do now.  There ought to be step by step instructions for this kind of thing.....

Strangers?

have you ever felt a connection with someone you dont even know? Or maybe you have met them once before, but every time you see them you feel like you know them much better than you actually do? Like maybe the stranger isnt a stranger at all.  There is a girl I see almost everyday.  we have never spoken, but I know that as i walk to class, across the quad, or through beaman we will make eye contact, smile at each other and nod.  I dont know her name, but she is a familiar constant in my life.  Part of me feels like one day i should say hello, sit down with her over a cup of coffee and get to know her, like we could be friends or something...  

but i know i never will

because part of me likes not knowing anything about her.  i kind of like our little ritual of smiling and nodding, its almost symbolic of hope and mystery that one most often finds in nature, not in the midst of so much concrete.  

Life is random

I am a very busy person. And now, as if I didnt have enough going on in my life, I am starting this.  I dont really have a reason. its not like I dont have a journal.  i have several that i use for different topics. this is going to be random, but life is random, so im ok with that.