I want to know right now...

There is magic in the smallest things, and sometimes the things you want to be magical are just big productions of nonsense, and you walk away none the better for witnessing them.  magic the way a cup of coffee can warm a part of me i didn't realize had grown so cold, in a silent embrace, in a shared laugh about something ridiculous, and in a beating heart.  I saw open heart surgery yesterday, the kind where the chest is opened and the heart is just there, right in front of your face, beating away.  magic.  i thought it was beautiful.  so exposed and bare, and a little poked and cut and things taken away and things added and it just kept beating, because that is what it was made to do.  and thank goodness for surgical masks, because i'm glad no one could see my open mouthed gape, i'm glad i could just revel in the wonder without trying to look composed.  and when asked about what i saw i cant help but gush.  

and as my words tumble out of my mouth as fast as i can say them, you smile at me in that small way i still haven't figured out, and i think there is magic in that, too. 

I want to be your last first kiss...

that you'll ever have...

that seems so permanent.  so strange to think that one day that will be true.  ideally :)  

i have this strange shifty feeling lately.  maybe it's the weather.  or the way i feel your eyes linger after i've looked away.  or that i am reassessing everything (which is a little overwhelming, i really should try to tackle smaller chunks at a time...)  it's exciting and strange and i like it.  but it's scary, too.  i have that feeling i usually get right before I move, but this time i'm not going anywhere.  i kind of want to... if only for the change.

i feel most alive at this time of year, which is a little odd considering that everything natural in the world is dying.  that wonderfully earth smell? decay.  and those pretty fall leaves...yep, on their way to death.  i hope i can die with such grace... i think instead of a funeral, I would like to have a going away party.  that is, assuming i know i'm going to die in advance.  yes, i realize that is a little morbid.  oh well.

I've been dirtier, than you'll ever know...

... I've left earlier, than you've ever known...   almost

Ooh, the struggle of wanting something so badly and just sitting back and breathing because, ultimately, there is nothing that you can do about it anyway. But I want to do something, something to make things more concrete.  But it's mid-october, and nothing is clear, not even the weather.  

I toyed around with changing majors, again.  I always seem to come back to that.  maybe it's a sign that: 1. I should.  2.  i'm too indecisive for my own good.  or 3.  i'm to idealistic and just need to realize that there is no perfect major/career.  i dont know.   i just know i'm not where i want to be.  but i also know i'm not finished yet, that there is still time to get where I want to go and all i need to do is work for it.  but sometimes the path between here and there is so dark, and uncertain, and scary, that I get nervous I wont make it all the way.  and then what? i shudder to think about it.  and then i feel like a jerk.  ugh.   and I know nothing i do today could really change anything, anyway.  i just have to wait and see and decide in about a month.  and that's where it gets hard again.  the waiting and seeing.  truth be told, i'm not even sure what i'm looking for.... terrific.

But it's better if you do...

isn't this exactly where you like? exactly where you want me?  

what a weekend.  camping and laughing and only ten minutes and scandal and hours of nothing and kissing and serious and random and exciting and disappointing and nodding off to sleep just when it's getting good. and i know that's not a real sentence, and it doesn't really make sense, but that's how it was.  really.