a lot of distractions, the future's comming soon....

i just want to be with you....

high school musical is fantastic.  the end.

i just want to slow down, take a deep breath.  sleep, snuggled into my bedding, at peace with myself and life and the world.  or at least just restfully.  it's not gong to happen tonight, or tomorrow.  maybe the night after that- maybe.  but some day it will. 

but i won't really rest until i give up and stop striving, stop overanalyzing, and just trust.  Trust that He knew this day was coming, that He knew this would happen, and He knew i was about to come crawling into His lap, asking all these questions like the child I am.  He knew.  and He loves me.  and He knows the answers to my fearful, childish questions. even if it all goes wrong, and blows up in my face and He has to be the one to heal my brokenness, i trust that He can.  and because that's true, i'm going to choose to trust you.  and invite you in, and hope you dont break anything.

you know how life can be,it changes overnight, 

it's sunny then raining, it's going to be all right

jealous of the moon

crazy how the answer to a question you didn't even ask can change everything.  when you asked, "wanna know something?" with that mischievous twinkle, i was thinking something along the lines of you did well on a test, had a funny story, or had fun plans for the next day, and my "yes, what!" reflected the lightness i detected in your voice.  your answer couldn't have blown me more away.  you trust me and i'm not sure i know why.  there is so much undiscovered, so much we don't know.  and now there is this thing, this answer, that i'm not sure i wanted to know.  not so much that it's bad, but that i don't want to face it and deal with it.  because i dont know how.  and it throws me off balance to not know what to do or say or feel.  

and so it simmers.

i don't wanna wait!...

... for my life to be over! I want to know right now, what will it be? 

Dawson and Pacey are back!  Oh, how i've missed them and their melodrama!  So good, so intense.  And my test has come and gone, and I passed.  I'm trying to be excited about it, but I still can't believe that I could study for something for so many hours and still feel like I've come up short.  It's humbling and scary.  and yes, i know that makes me a snob.  it's just so frustrating to know that i could pour so much effort and time and preparation in to something and it still not be enough.  all that business about as long as you tried your best.... just taunts. 

but in unrelated, less self pitying news, today post 9 am was wonderful.

 the kind of day that makes me want to stay in school forever and never join the 'real' world.  it was the kind of day that whispers, yes, your life really is a fairy tale, and you will miss this.  wonderful, spur of the moment lunch with people i need so badly but never see enough of.  then off to a nap, but not before deciding that my butt is kind of cute, and i like it. and waking up to three in a bed jostling and pushing and all the ruckus that is bound to come when three apologetic, unrestrained girls try to fit in a full bed.  and gilmore girls and giggling and then Dawson! and a new car that has so much promise of adventures and ease and the perfect dinner, and now thinking about homework when all i really want is to be with the boy whose smile makes mine bigger.

i was talking to my mother earlier and she asked are things getting serious? and when i asked what does that even mean?, she laughed and said well, that's a no!  but i don't know that it really is, which makes me wonder how you know when fondness ends and love begins?  it is something that sneaks up, or do you realize it's coming for you?  

I know your scared...

that i'll soon be over it, that's part of it all. thank you joshua radin for words that flow, and drip, and breeze and mingle with music in a way that is equally beautiful and sad, sad in the way that makes me want to cry.

i feel like there are all of these things, all of these words, that are just rising in my chest like bubbles, but they pop right before I can get them out.  I dont quite know what they are, just that they are important, and need to be expressed, somehow.  but i dont seem to know how to let them out.  so instead of finding relief, i am left at a loss, unsure of my own thoughts.  so strange that i usually have thoughts about everything, and right now if you were to ask me what i am thinking, i would be caught of guard and tempted to make something up, because to answer 'nothing' sounds like i just dont want to say, when really it's the complete and terrifying truth.  

i know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.

i feel myself slipping away, and i dont know how to stop it.  i have felt it before at this point in a semester, like i am drowning beneath my obligations and responsibilities, but it feels different now.  

somehow, i'm leading someone else's life.  i cut a star down with my knife

I know that being overwhelmed and sleep deprived doesn't kill people, but i cant help but think it kills a part of them, that part that is vibrant, resilient, and beautiful.  just looking around i can see the light fading from people's faces, their eyes weary, brows heavy.

my hands shake, my knees quake, it's every day, the same way

how do i keep it from killing me?  its like fighting an invisible foe, i know, i know it's really serious...

who am i to say this...

situation isn't great? when it's my job to make the most of it...

we were walking downtown, the sun bright in our eyes, going in and out of stores more for the burst of artificially cool air than the merchandise.  tripping over each other's sentences, being slightly obnoxious, laughing.  the infectious kind of laughter that comes easily between people who know they probably shouldn't but are going to anyway.  laughter about nothing, yet in that laughter there was an underlying hope, hope that this wouldn't be the last time we had a moment like this.  and i was thinking i just wanted to bottle that afternoon and save everything about it, so i could reopen it later, drink it in, and let that feeling fill me once again.  i could use that drink right about now.

She moves in secret ways

and there is  grace and poise perfection when she takes the helm....

in some ways i feel like everything is just as i always wanted it, a finished work, the supple clay molded to be exactly what i envisioned.  and in other ways everything is falling apart from the inside, cracking in pieces as things dry at different rates, seams separating, exposed.  

and there is this feeling of hopelessness as i franticly try to keep it together, but i cant fix every crack, there are just to many.  and i dont know what is salvageable and what is better let go, to build back later, or maybe not...  

and there is an isolation that comes with your life splintering apart.  because what's left doesn't fit back together, like pieces from different puzzles.  but they are lovely, and hold the last memory of something that once was.  and i feel like i am sitting here staring at these shrouds of what was beautiful, trying to make sense of it all, and i... can't.  and i dont know where to go from here.  

so i cling feverishly to my scheduled, full days and get more involved and invested in things i dont know if i even enjoy, and for what? i hope someday i'll know.  or that i can look back on this time and see the beauty as a whole instead of fragmented.  because at this moment, all i see is ruins.  and it makes me want to cry that i've never been so invested, so committed, and so unknown.  i dont see enough of the people i need and i see too much of the people i dont want.  why cant they just be the same?  and didn't there used to be more of them?  and i feel like i am on the verge of making a life changing decision, but  dont know what it is, just that it's looming.  but i also feel like not deciding is my decision, somehow. 

 if i spend my time on academics, i lose my relationships.  if i focus on my relationships, my future plans slip away.  if i focus on my activities, i feel unfulfilled.  when did i become this empty shell? not seeing, not feeling, with hollow eyes and a faded smile like an old photograph. and how do i wake up from this nightmare? i feel like i live a few dozen lives a day, some twisted play where i play all of the parts.  and i'm tired, and it's monday, and there is still so much to do before i can finally lay myself down for a futile attempt at rest.