She moves in secret ways

and there is  grace and poise perfection when she takes the helm....

in some ways i feel like everything is just as i always wanted it, a finished work, the supple clay molded to be exactly what i envisioned.  and in other ways everything is falling apart from the inside, cracking in pieces as things dry at different rates, seams separating, exposed.  

and there is this feeling of hopelessness as i franticly try to keep it together, but i cant fix every crack, there are just to many.  and i dont know what is salvageable and what is better let go, to build back later, or maybe not...  

and there is an isolation that comes with your life splintering apart.  because what's left doesn't fit back together, like pieces from different puzzles.  but they are lovely, and hold the last memory of something that once was.  and i feel like i am sitting here staring at these shrouds of what was beautiful, trying to make sense of it all, and i... can't.  and i dont know where to go from here.  

so i cling feverishly to my scheduled, full days and get more involved and invested in things i dont know if i even enjoy, and for what? i hope someday i'll know.  or that i can look back on this time and see the beauty as a whole instead of fragmented.  because at this moment, all i see is ruins.  and it makes me want to cry that i've never been so invested, so committed, and so unknown.  i dont see enough of the people i need and i see too much of the people i dont want.  why cant they just be the same?  and didn't there used to be more of them?  and i feel like i am on the verge of making a life changing decision, but  dont know what it is, just that it's looming.  but i also feel like not deciding is my decision, somehow. 

 if i spend my time on academics, i lose my relationships.  if i focus on my relationships, my future plans slip away.  if i focus on my activities, i feel unfulfilled.  when did i become this empty shell? not seeing, not feeling, with hollow eyes and a faded smile like an old photograph. and how do i wake up from this nightmare? i feel like i live a few dozen lives a day, some twisted play where i play all of the parts.  and i'm tired, and it's monday, and there is still so much to do before i can finally lay myself down for a futile attempt at rest.