out from under...

I don't want to dream about, all the things that never were....

britney's back.  the end.

a bad cold and a serious case of apathy make finals prep hard at best and impossible at worst.  the cold medicine that lets me breathe and not feel miserable also make me so zoned out it's hard to think and focus.  thanks body, for shutting down. it's perfect timing, really. 

And ohhh, don't you ever want to lose control...

i wrote yesterday for the first time in months.  real words, where there is just pen and paper and no spell check.  i used to write all of the time, and I loved it, still love it.  but i hadn't in a long time and i'm not sure why.  I hadn't even really realized I had stopped. i was prompted by a question over break that deserved answering, and in the moment i didn't have an answer to give.  so then i wrote, and as i did more and more just kept pouring out, faster than I could really put the words down.  and my handwriting is atrocious, but it speaks to the fervor of the night, the intensity to put it all down before I lost it is evident by the scrawled words.  and i think i'm going to keep writing.

P.S...

i know what I want, am i brave enough to go after it?

so break was great, but to take 3 major exams in the next 15 days, really? sounds impossible.  sad day. so here's the break down for the next 15 days:

3 exams

2 major projects

2 semi-formals

1 concert

oh, and ResLife thinks it owns me again...

fun, fun.  But today, it snowed! so happy December!

a lot of distractions, the future's comming soon....

i just want to be with you....

high school musical is fantastic.  the end.

i just want to slow down, take a deep breath.  sleep, snuggled into my bedding, at peace with myself and life and the world.  or at least just restfully.  it's not gong to happen tonight, or tomorrow.  maybe the night after that- maybe.  but some day it will. 

but i won't really rest until i give up and stop striving, stop overanalyzing, and just trust.  Trust that He knew this day was coming, that He knew this would happen, and He knew i was about to come crawling into His lap, asking all these questions like the child I am.  He knew.  and He loves me.  and He knows the answers to my fearful, childish questions. even if it all goes wrong, and blows up in my face and He has to be the one to heal my brokenness, i trust that He can.  and because that's true, i'm going to choose to trust you.  and invite you in, and hope you dont break anything.

you know how life can be,it changes overnight, 

it's sunny then raining, it's going to be all right

jealous of the moon

crazy how the answer to a question you didn't even ask can change everything.  when you asked, "wanna know something?" with that mischievous twinkle, i was thinking something along the lines of you did well on a test, had a funny story, or had fun plans for the next day, and my "yes, what!" reflected the lightness i detected in your voice.  your answer couldn't have blown me more away.  you trust me and i'm not sure i know why.  there is so much undiscovered, so much we don't know.  and now there is this thing, this answer, that i'm not sure i wanted to know.  not so much that it's bad, but that i don't want to face it and deal with it.  because i dont know how.  and it throws me off balance to not know what to do or say or feel.  

and so it simmers.

i don't wanna wait!...

... for my life to be over! I want to know right now, what will it be? 

Dawson and Pacey are back!  Oh, how i've missed them and their melodrama!  So good, so intense.  And my test has come and gone, and I passed.  I'm trying to be excited about it, but I still can't believe that I could study for something for so many hours and still feel like I've come up short.  It's humbling and scary.  and yes, i know that makes me a snob.  it's just so frustrating to know that i could pour so much effort and time and preparation in to something and it still not be enough.  all that business about as long as you tried your best.... just taunts. 

but in unrelated, less self pitying news, today post 9 am was wonderful.

 the kind of day that makes me want to stay in school forever and never join the 'real' world.  it was the kind of day that whispers, yes, your life really is a fairy tale, and you will miss this.  wonderful, spur of the moment lunch with people i need so badly but never see enough of.  then off to a nap, but not before deciding that my butt is kind of cute, and i like it. and waking up to three in a bed jostling and pushing and all the ruckus that is bound to come when three apologetic, unrestrained girls try to fit in a full bed.  and gilmore girls and giggling and then Dawson! and a new car that has so much promise of adventures and ease and the perfect dinner, and now thinking about homework when all i really want is to be with the boy whose smile makes mine bigger.

i was talking to my mother earlier and she asked are things getting serious? and when i asked what does that even mean?, she laughed and said well, that's a no!  but i don't know that it really is, which makes me wonder how you know when fondness ends and love begins?  it is something that sneaks up, or do you realize it's coming for you?  

I know your scared...

that i'll soon be over it, that's part of it all. thank you joshua radin for words that flow, and drip, and breeze and mingle with music in a way that is equally beautiful and sad, sad in the way that makes me want to cry.

i feel like there are all of these things, all of these words, that are just rising in my chest like bubbles, but they pop right before I can get them out.  I dont quite know what they are, just that they are important, and need to be expressed, somehow.  but i dont seem to know how to let them out.  so instead of finding relief, i am left at a loss, unsure of my own thoughts.  so strange that i usually have thoughts about everything, and right now if you were to ask me what i am thinking, i would be caught of guard and tempted to make something up, because to answer 'nothing' sounds like i just dont want to say, when really it's the complete and terrifying truth.  

i know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.

i feel myself slipping away, and i dont know how to stop it.  i have felt it before at this point in a semester, like i am drowning beneath my obligations and responsibilities, but it feels different now.  

somehow, i'm leading someone else's life.  i cut a star down with my knife

I know that being overwhelmed and sleep deprived doesn't kill people, but i cant help but think it kills a part of them, that part that is vibrant, resilient, and beautiful.  just looking around i can see the light fading from people's faces, their eyes weary, brows heavy.

my hands shake, my knees quake, it's every day, the same way

how do i keep it from killing me?  its like fighting an invisible foe, i know, i know it's really serious...

who am i to say this...

situation isn't great? when it's my job to make the most of it...

we were walking downtown, the sun bright in our eyes, going in and out of stores more for the burst of artificially cool air than the merchandise.  tripping over each other's sentences, being slightly obnoxious, laughing.  the infectious kind of laughter that comes easily between people who know they probably shouldn't but are going to anyway.  laughter about nothing, yet in that laughter there was an underlying hope, hope that this wouldn't be the last time we had a moment like this.  and i was thinking i just wanted to bottle that afternoon and save everything about it, so i could reopen it later, drink it in, and let that feeling fill me once again.  i could use that drink right about now.

She moves in secret ways

and there is  grace and poise perfection when she takes the helm....

in some ways i feel like everything is just as i always wanted it, a finished work, the supple clay molded to be exactly what i envisioned.  and in other ways everything is falling apart from the inside, cracking in pieces as things dry at different rates, seams separating, exposed.  

and there is this feeling of hopelessness as i franticly try to keep it together, but i cant fix every crack, there are just to many.  and i dont know what is salvageable and what is better let go, to build back later, or maybe not...  

and there is an isolation that comes with your life splintering apart.  because what's left doesn't fit back together, like pieces from different puzzles.  but they are lovely, and hold the last memory of something that once was.  and i feel like i am sitting here staring at these shrouds of what was beautiful, trying to make sense of it all, and i... can't.  and i dont know where to go from here.  

so i cling feverishly to my scheduled, full days and get more involved and invested in things i dont know if i even enjoy, and for what? i hope someday i'll know.  or that i can look back on this time and see the beauty as a whole instead of fragmented.  because at this moment, all i see is ruins.  and it makes me want to cry that i've never been so invested, so committed, and so unknown.  i dont see enough of the people i need and i see too much of the people i dont want.  why cant they just be the same?  and didn't there used to be more of them?  and i feel like i am on the verge of making a life changing decision, but  dont know what it is, just that it's looming.  but i also feel like not deciding is my decision, somehow. 

 if i spend my time on academics, i lose my relationships.  if i focus on my relationships, my future plans slip away.  if i focus on my activities, i feel unfulfilled.  when did i become this empty shell? not seeing, not feeling, with hollow eyes and a faded smile like an old photograph. and how do i wake up from this nightmare? i feel like i live a few dozen lives a day, some twisted play where i play all of the parts.  and i'm tired, and it's monday, and there is still so much to do before i can finally lay myself down for a futile attempt at rest.

I want to know right now...

There is magic in the smallest things, and sometimes the things you want to be magical are just big productions of nonsense, and you walk away none the better for witnessing them.  magic the way a cup of coffee can warm a part of me i didn't realize had grown so cold, in a silent embrace, in a shared laugh about something ridiculous, and in a beating heart.  I saw open heart surgery yesterday, the kind where the chest is opened and the heart is just there, right in front of your face, beating away.  magic.  i thought it was beautiful.  so exposed and bare, and a little poked and cut and things taken away and things added and it just kept beating, because that is what it was made to do.  and thank goodness for surgical masks, because i'm glad no one could see my open mouthed gape, i'm glad i could just revel in the wonder without trying to look composed.  and when asked about what i saw i cant help but gush.  

and as my words tumble out of my mouth as fast as i can say them, you smile at me in that small way i still haven't figured out, and i think there is magic in that, too. 

I want to be your last first kiss...

that you'll ever have...

that seems so permanent.  so strange to think that one day that will be true.  ideally :)  

i have this strange shifty feeling lately.  maybe it's the weather.  or the way i feel your eyes linger after i've looked away.  or that i am reassessing everything (which is a little overwhelming, i really should try to tackle smaller chunks at a time...)  it's exciting and strange and i like it.  but it's scary, too.  i have that feeling i usually get right before I move, but this time i'm not going anywhere.  i kind of want to... if only for the change.

i feel most alive at this time of year, which is a little odd considering that everything natural in the world is dying.  that wonderfully earth smell? decay.  and those pretty fall leaves...yep, on their way to death.  i hope i can die with such grace... i think instead of a funeral, I would like to have a going away party.  that is, assuming i know i'm going to die in advance.  yes, i realize that is a little morbid.  oh well.

I've been dirtier, than you'll ever know...

... I've left earlier, than you've ever known...   almost

Ooh, the struggle of wanting something so badly and just sitting back and breathing because, ultimately, there is nothing that you can do about it anyway. But I want to do something, something to make things more concrete.  But it's mid-october, and nothing is clear, not even the weather.  

I toyed around with changing majors, again.  I always seem to come back to that.  maybe it's a sign that: 1. I should.  2.  i'm too indecisive for my own good.  or 3.  i'm to idealistic and just need to realize that there is no perfect major/career.  i dont know.   i just know i'm not where i want to be.  but i also know i'm not finished yet, that there is still time to get where I want to go and all i need to do is work for it.  but sometimes the path between here and there is so dark, and uncertain, and scary, that I get nervous I wont make it all the way.  and then what? i shudder to think about it.  and then i feel like a jerk.  ugh.   and I know nothing i do today could really change anything, anyway.  i just have to wait and see and decide in about a month.  and that's where it gets hard again.  the waiting and seeing.  truth be told, i'm not even sure what i'm looking for.... terrific.

But it's better if you do...

isn't this exactly where you like? exactly where you want me?  

what a weekend.  camping and laughing and only ten minutes and scandal and hours of nothing and kissing and serious and random and exciting and disappointing and nodding off to sleep just when it's getting good. and i know that's not a real sentence, and it doesn't really make sense, but that's how it was.  really. 

i know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel...

this way.

what a day of highs and lows.  it started with waking up to a glorious fall morning, the kind where the air quivers between the seasons, warm and gusty.  also the kind where i want to curl up with a book, the windows down and let the breeze tangle my hair.  instead, i had to go to lab.  i also woke up one very blood shot eye.  so instead of really getting ready, i made myself breakfast and coffee, watched the today show, pulled back my hair and wore comfortable clothes and shoes.  due to the weird eye, i skipped makeup and contacts, and sported the glasses instead.  walking down the street i realized i had never gone to class so beautifully unadorned, but i was feeling bright and prepared and ready for the day.  about half way through lab, my instructor approached me and, after reading my name off of my lab coat, asked if i had just joined the class.  seriously.  i have talked with this woman several times and i sit near the front.  then it dawned on me, i was unrecognizable.  um, embarrassing... 

  

but if all is well that ends well, the morning doesn't even matter.  you brighten my day with a smile, and tonight, orange flowers.  i'm not sure what they are called (i'm sure you do) but they are lovely.  and i felt my eyes get big when i opened the door and there they were, and all i could say was pretty....  and as i sit here in your sweatshirt, wearing the hood, all i can do is smile and wonder if you even know how amazing you are? 

how am i supposed to know when it starts?

i think i know where i am.  but then i get distracted by the way your lips turn up when you look at my eyes.  and then my mind starts on a trail i never saw until i'm halfway down it and when i glance around i dont recognize anything, yet everything is familiar.  but everything is brighter this time, more vivid and real. like maybe i've seen a version of whatever this is before, but it was only an imitation and this is the real thing.  but i don't really know what's real, so i really couldn't tell you if this is legit or just a better knockoff than the last one.  

i say my thoughts out loud to other people hoping that they will make sense in the time between leaving my mouth and returning to my ears, like the journey through the air will act like developer on the film of my thoughts, producing a picture when the sound returns to my ears, to be processed by my brain again upon re-entry.  and i think they do, but then i feel your gaze, and when i look up all thoughts i was having get scattered by those eyes the color of the ocean, blue and green with a hint of gold.  and like the ocean they swallow me, and i don't want to break away, until i realize i think i was talking and trailed away mid-sentence.  so i blush and look away and tuck my hair behind my ear and try to remember what i was saying, hoping you don't notice how scattered i am, but at the same time hoping that you do.  and then right when i have almost recovered you reach for my hand and i'm gone again.

and it scares me, my complete lack of composure.  i'm good at the game face, the unaffected, unnerved persona that acts as a shield when i dont want people to get to close.  i'm antsy and you ask why, and i cant tell you that i'm worried you arent as affected by me as i am by you.  and i dont tell you how much i love it when your hand slides down my arm or you run your fingers through my hair.  i feel like you've shared more of yourself than i have let you see of me, which is strange because i want you to know me, but part of me is scared of giving that to you, because once you know that, you know me.  and that would make you one of four or five.  and that's a big deal.  so instead i smile and lean in to you and keep my thoughts behind the veil of my darkened eyelashes.

Hm...

 Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree.

Oh september. such a month of transition.  it's like those days when you wake up the the world is just different.  you can breathe in the change, it surrounds you like fog.  life. death.  and all of the beauty in between.  such a neat picture of life. 

What if...

What if this thing I've poured so much time into turns out to be the worst thing I've ever been a part of?  What if I'm wasting my time and am just waiting to get my heart broken?  What if the people I rely on the most aren't there when I need them?  What if I am setting myself up for a career that I won't enjoy? 

What if it all goes right?

Stuck in my head

How does that happen, anyway?  Is there some sort of formula that guarantees a song will be a winner? when i grow up... I like music, i really do, but sometimes I want my head to be quiet.  I want to turn the music off ...i wanna be famous... and i want silence.  i just want to think and wonder, I dont want stuff, noise,...i wanna be a star... bouncing around.  where is the mute button?  If the brain is such an awesome, complex thing, there should at least be a mute button.

Tell me it's not to late...

Ever notice that when things are so bad/hard there are things sprinkled in at just the right moments or in just the right amounts that make things just easier enough?  I think those things are what God meant when he said he would never give us more than we could handle.  Because lately i think that the days of everything being right really are few and far between, and the precious memory of them is enough to leave us hopeful, but that really all we can ask for is the bright flashes of wonderful that make all the blah a little less dark.  It's the lazy afternoons, the unexpected flowers, the late nights, the greetings of friends that make all of the things you'd rather not do mean anything at all. 

thinkin' and strugglin'

whew. what a week.  and it's just thursday.  but wow, it's been the toughest week I've had in a while.  mentally tough, the kind of hard that would be easier if I had more patience, energy, and faith in people.  and i'm working on the patience, part.  last night was wonderful.  talking with my staff about God and life and struggles and pain, but also beauty and restoration.  so needed.  and suddenly the night just got better.

Everything's right, everything's right tonight

sometimes all i want to do is smile.  or laugh.  or run around skipping.  like right now.

because, in spite of everything that makes me feel pitiful, life is great.  the very fact that there are stars and leaves and the smiles of children makes it wonderful.  how did i ever forget?

"windows down as the night rolls in, tap a beat on the wheel as the tires spin, until we're there crank the radio, we'll join in on the songs we know..."

waitin'

I don't like things being unsettled.  i like to know what is going on, i like to have a plan, i like lists, i  like to have answers.  but lately i've had more questions than answers.  i'm not so good at waiting for the answers, but some things just cant be rushed.  no one has the answers, we all just have to wait and see. 

isn't it ironic

i love my family more than anything in the world.  i look forward to going home so much, and guard my time with them like it is precious, because it is.  due to a busy school schedule, i don't go home very much, so i try to soak up everything i can when i am with my family.  but sometimes i just want to disappear.  or better, make them disappear.  because for all of the love, they know just what to do to make me the most miserable.  in addition to the things said and done directly, its things that no one else would really notice, the glances, subtle pauses in a conversation, the shift in body language, all things that have taken a lifetime to work on and perfect for optimal damage.   

isn't it crazy how the people you love the most are the ones who can hurt you the worst?

At the end of the day...

i realize a lot of things i dont want to. i realize that too often i speak without thinking.  i make judgements about people and situations.  i am prideful.  i am not in control.  i dont know what i am doing.  i offer insight i dont have.  i'm scared of losing the things that mean the most to me. 

i'm done shifting the focus to other people or circumstances.  the short comings are mine, i accept that. noone could have told me this, i had to discover it on my own.  and it hurts, like all self inflicted injuries.  but i dont want to dodge the blame, or shrug off the hurt i am capable of causing.  i'm guilty.  

oh, art

i love art.  so much.  but i feel like an impostor sometimes, living in a city full of people just bursting with artistic.... something.  this artistry seems to ooze out of them, evident in the way they wear their hair, the combination of colors in their clothes, and the music that just flows through the city.  and me? well, it's safe to say no one looks at the dresses i love, the Sperry's that are often on my feet, and all of the pink and thinks "there is a girl/woman who loves art" like because i don't look "artsy" means my interest isn't true.  but really, the love is genuine.  i love 

the way you can read a person by looking at their eyes 

the way a photograph can capture feelings 

the way form evokes mood

the way colors create texture

the way light can be captured

the way art can make you feel

i think that is what i like the best.  because i like to feel deeply. 

to be glad of life

to be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars...  life is wonderful, life goes full circle

glorious! that's what today was.  it started dreary, then cleared as i went north, and then out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and it was fun and there was laughter and good questions and normalcy.  and so now i have other questions, questions for myself.  questions i want answers to but am afraid to ask.  

smile. 

Come with me if you want to live

that feeling in my stomach.  the one i don't know if i like or not, but whenever it isn't there i miss.  the sensation that my heart may in fact explode. the unexpected, unknown, and unpredictable.   must be an adventure!   class is finally over, and summer is officially allowed to begin!  No more feeling like time spent with friends is time stolen from studying.  It's incredibly freeing to turn in a final exam.  yay for independence! 

i love my parents.  i think they are amazing, but not because they are perfect.  their imperfection becomes more obvious the longer i am home.  gone are the days when i thought they were infallible, but instead of being disillusioned, i see them for who they are.  we've had real conversations, person to person instead of parent to child, and i've been getting to know them in a completely fresh way.  I love it! and it's only the beginning of july, so much is yet to be

i've been wondering what the rest of the summer is going to look like.  there is a lot that could happen, a lot i want to happen, but nothing is certain.  i don't know why, but lately i've really been thinking about how life/ people/ places/ relationships is so uncertain.  nothing stays the same.  a friendship is never where you left it when you go to pick it back up.  things age.  places change.  people die.  it has the potential to be a really bad thing.  but there is also the option to intervene and prevent some of the decay.  it takes some attention, and maybe even work, but it can be done.  if you decide its worth it.  and it usually is.  

One More Day!

Summer session is almost over.  By this time tomorrow I will be finished with General Chemistry 1. I can actually have normal summer sleeping habits.  And stay out past 10pm without turning into a zombie.  And read.  And be outside.  And not worry.  Or study.  And fully open to all of the possibilities that not going to class every day brings!  Glory!  

Honesty= Rudeness?

Someone very smart made that correlation for me a few days ago, and I have been pondering it ever since.  She actually put it, rudeness= honesty, and I added honesty= love, so i guess that means rudeness= love?  i do try to be honest with people.  i think people need that, because there are plenty of people willing to tell you what you want to hear or agree with you or make you feel better, but very few who will tell you what you need to hear and will disagree, forcing you to re-examine what you think or believe.  I think people need to stop and decide what they really think and have a reason to back up what they do, say, and think.  It's easy to float through life on half- thought out ideas and ride the convictions of others.  It's hard to make your own convictions and ideas, because they are yours.  and if they are wrong there is no one to blame but yourself.  So i guess if honesty really does equal rudeness, i am a rude person.  i am sorry about that, it wasn't my intention at all.  if i have ever been rude to you, consider this an apology and know that i was honest out of love.   you don't have to like it.  in fact it will probably make you uncomfortable occasionally.  I'm ok with that, its good for you.  

discomfort causes change, and change is good. 

oh yes, and only 3 more days of Chemistry!

Life is wonderful, life goes full circle

it's almost funny the way things come out of nowhere right when you are about to quit looking for them.  opportunities you had given up on come together at the last minute.  friendships you never could have imagined become exactly what you need.  right when you are about to look away from the sky you see twice as many stars.  it's almost like God's way of reminding us, this life isn't about you and your plans, your ideas, or what you think you need.  wait for me to show you.  it makes me wonder how often i get in my own way.  

life can't be predicted, and it can't even really be planned for.  so what to do?  more and more God is showing me i just need to sit back and really see the beauty around me, worship Him, love other people, and let Him take care of the rest.  it sounds so simple and easy, but it's been quite the struggle.  a constant fight not to get freaked out and feel like i am falling behind.  but honestly, behind on what? other than sleep :)

Glory, glory, glory

oh to be outside! to be in the open air where trees provide the relief from the golden rays and the sound of water is music! the poetry in light, and the subtle movement of the shadows is perfect and haunting.  the way the light lingers with the darkness, illuminating, balancing, revealing just enough. exquisite.  natural things are so honest.  there is no hiding.  no trying to be less than what it is.  trees don't resist being tall, slouching and feeling awkward around the shorter bushes.  flowers are not condemned for being so beautiful.   they are what they were meant to be.  fulfilling their roles perfectly, the variety adding to the beauty.  why can't, or i should say don't, people live like that.  why are some made to feel like they are too much and others like they are not enough.  celebrating your gifts doesn't diminish mine.  cherishing my passions doesn't make yours less worthy.  

open up.  see beauty and recognize it.

Dancin' in the moonlight....

oh i love days wrought with possibilities!   and the sky at night!  and dancing in the car! and the strange looks on stranger's faces when i catch them staring and wave! and potential to do things I've always wanted to do! and, i must admit, i love doing well.  in everything.  even chemistry :)

Another summer day....

chemistry.  blah.  i should be studying.  i have a test in 2 days.  and im not ready.  ugh.  but really?  its summer.  i want to be outside, enjoying the sunshine.  even if that means sweating and getting sunburned.

I was thinking today about what makes me feel the most like me.  what makes me feel the most alive? guarantee you it's not chemistry.  so what is it?  im not really sure.  i do know that how a person spends their time is descriptive of what is important to them, so what does that say about me?  hm...  something to keep thinking about.  good thing i have a hour commute to class in the morning.

The radio

I have grown to dislike the radio this summer.  especially the morning people who talk incessantly about nothing.  like i am supposed to care what they ate for breakfast or what their kid is doing later?  sorry, i have my own life, shut up and just play some music.  the up side of disowning my radio is that i have discovered music i love, stuff that has been buried deep within my ipod, as well as recent stuff the people in my life who were/are concerned with my lack of musical knowledge have shared with me that is way good.  so thank you, annoying radio people, bob, and heather. its fantastic to put the ipod on shuffle and just see what comes out! 

"i am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts, with her delicate soul, i don't claim to know much, except as soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love..."

Somethin for me...

The way you look, the way you laugh,

the way you love with all you have,

there ain't nothing bout you, that don't do something for me,

the way you kiss, the way you cry,

the way you move when you walk by, 

there ain't nothing bout you, that don't do something for me.

-Brooks and Dunn

i LoVe this song right now.  I dont really know why, cause im not a brooks and dunn fan.  but i find myself humming it as i go about my day.  who doesnt want a love like that?

I want a lot of things.  a career i find fulfilling, to see the world, to go on adventures, to do well in Chemistry, and the list goes on.  i want all of them, and it is up to me to make them happen.  I have the control.  i can pursue my career by studying hard and i can plan my own adventures.  i can focus early in the morning and succeed in chem.  I dont need to rely or wait on anyone.  except not all of life will fit nicely within my plans.  i dont have control of the actions of the people around me.  i cant make their decisions for them, i cant read their thoughts, and i cant know what they will do. so many questions. all i can do is wait and then react.  no time to plan, just go! and hope and pray i reacted well.  oh, waiting is not an easy thing for someone who despises feeling helpless.  

so what to do?  wait and see where the final battle lines are drawn (and the battle is coming, i can see it building)? or go on with things, getting  ever closer or farther away from where i want to be?  because nothing stays the same.

The little things you do to me

agh. ever unexpectedly hear/see/whatever something that used to really mean something to you, like touched a part of your soul in a way that made you think "this is permanent," but now, this time, you feel... nothing? no stir, no fondness or pain. nothing.

is it just a natural moving on? or is it something more sinister? did something in you die, causing the lack of response? or worse, did you kill that part of yourself in an effort to move on, mature, or make room for something else?

la la lala la

sun and sky and motion and strength and rest. life is beautiful

Sweet summer time...

summer has officially started.  but it doesnt really feel like it, yet.   maybe its because i've been back to nashville five times since i "left" for summer.  but i like it there, and it feels more like home than franklin, so i dont really mind.  and now that i'm going to be taking a class everyday for the entire month of june, i wonder when it will feel like i have a break?  maybe when i go to the beach, and see the entire family.  so many people who love each other in one place! it makes me sad that families dont all live in the same towns anymore.  whoo hoo for progress and all, but i bet the days when families lived in the same community for generations was wonderful.  you would never have to go very far for a hug when you'd had a hard day, which in my opinion is always a good thing.

when you are in college, summer is such a funny time.  we look forward to it, and yet when it comes and we have time to relax and just be, all of the people we want to spend time with are gone.  and we ourselves are in these places that may have once been familiar, be we have put so much time and effort into building new lives and new families at school that our homes, those places our parents live, are just that: the places our parents live.  because we dont live there.  nine out of twelve months are spent somewhere else.  but those places, those homes, offer so much sanctuary.  its restful, like being on a vacation.  but kind of like being on vacation by yourself, because the people you share the house with have lives that they are living and dont stop just because you are home for three months.  and i think thats good.   going somewhere where life is continual and you are the interruption is a humbling relief.  summer is this time to step away from the routine of life and reevaluate things.  important things, like relationships, goals, and yourself.  it's also an opportunity to explore new things you normally dont think you have time for and pursue things you've been putting off, like reading books or learning new things.  

so much possibility and potential.  i love it! 

swirls of confusion

i dont even know.  when i think about where i am right now my stomach lurches, and i wonder if the heave was noticeable.  I hope not, but it feels so strong, so powerful, that it seems impossible it wasnt visible.  ugh. i used to be so sure of what i wanted, and now....?  confusion on all fronts. what to do, what to feel, what do i want, what do i need, what makes me really alive?  and honestly, i dont know.  

i know that when i am with someone consequences dont seem to exist.

i know that i love to laugh.  and smile. and just enjoy life.

i know that sometimes when my phone rings, and i see who is calling, i forget what movie i am about to see.

i know there are some things i will never say, no matter how much i may want to.

i know i need people in my life that can love and accept me for exactly who i am, and not try to change anything about me.

i know i want to be passionate about everything that i do.

i know we need to be passionate about some of the same things.

and really, those seven things are all i really know right now.  

The brink of something beautiful

here we go: i'm going home, summer is just beginning, new experiences, relationships to continue building without the burden and distraction of school, reflecting, evaluating, reading, warm nights, learning, laughing, family.  

ah, i cant wait. 

Adventures?

I love adventures.  All kinds of them.  I see life as an adventure, and this part, the studying-for-finals-so-i-keep-my-gpa-high part, is not very exciting.  

but thats only the sub-polt.  

the real action is what goes on before and after the final exams; the last conversations with people before they scatter for summer vacation, the sunburns in the park, the palpable anticipation for the summer and for what lies beyond.  the new year.  

this entire year has been building up to this moment:  ra training and hp sleeping on my couch only because heron didn't have hot water,  late night conversations as a friendship was built,  recruitment late nights and tears, a surprising friendship that turned out to be exactly what i needed, lonely afternoons,  connections,  new friends,  misunderstandings made right, discovering jk and being vulnerable, intentional coffee dates, learning patience, being disappointed and hopeful in the same afternoon, feeling every emotion, cutting ties, seeing potential, and at the end of all that knowing that i have people in my life who love me and who i love in return.  real love, the kind that's real and i've rarely found outside the bonds of family.

it hasn't been easy or always fun, but this year was what it was and it brought me here.  and i like what i see.  too far in to the lives of my friends to even think about finding my way out.  but i don't want out, i want farther in.   

"it takes some fears to make you trust. life is wonderful, life goes full circle" jason mraz

And I just can't wait until the day when all of this will come to be.

Warm air. blue sky.  the inviting coolness of trees. leisurely walks. unrestrained laughter.  all signs point to summer.

except the stack of books on my desk.  waiting to suck the life out of me.  there are exams to study for, papers to write, an art critique to prepare for, and a GPA to maintain.  but the sun is out and its a beautiful day.  and that's where the temptation lies.  

i would so much rather be out of doors than inside my apartment, or worse, at the library.  but i have a list of 10,000 things to do, and i'm at least responsible enough to prioritize.  so i settle for an open window and pause when the breeze rustles my hair, relishing the contact with the outside world.   

I signed up for this....

13.1 miles.  13.1 freaking miles! it's almost that far to Franklin.  and i decided to go that far on foot.

at 7am.

on a Saturday. 

13.1 miles is a long way. but there was never a moment where i thought "why did i do this?" to be honest, i thought there might.  i havent trained as hard as i could have, and i am recovering from as stress fracture.  there was the potential for things to go very wrong.  but finishing a half marathon is on the list.  i've wanted to do this for years.  and yesterday, i did it! i mostly ran 13.1 miles in 2 hours 40 minutes and 36 seconds.  the time is really not that impressive, but i did it!

Do they have a patch for all kinds of addictions?

If not, they should.  

 I have decided that I will give up my dependancy/addiction to coffee.  I dont really know why i want to do this, because i love everything about coffee: the smell, the taste, the way it lets me stay awake when i have procrastinated a little too long.  but i dont like that i need it.  i want to be in control of my own life, and somehow it feels like i am less in control because I need coffee to function in the mornings.  I hate that i have a headache when i dont have my morning cup, that i'm irritable and groggy until the warm liquid has taken effect.  So i decided it had to stop, that i would deal with the headache for a few days, and then just see how it went.  I will still drink coffee socially and with friends, just not everyday.

Madness

When will i fully realize that life is insanely unpredictable? That things that seemed so certain evaporate like morning fog?  That the things you think will never happen, inevitably will? and the things you never see coming could be the very things that save you?  

Earth is not a place of predictability.  It is a place of uncertainty, pain, and unfulfilled hopes.  But it is also a place of beauty, laughter, and the promise of something more.  I love that glorious mornings can turn to disappointing afternoons that fade to sweet evenings that become fun nights.  I'm encouraged that disappointment can be softened by kind words and laughter, and that the love of friends can soothe me when what i really want to do is stand up and fight.  

A single tear slips silently down my cheek. Sometimes I just care too much.  But the tear will not be joined by another; I have so much to look forward to.  Each day brings a new surprise.

friendship

Friendship is a funny thing.  What makes you click so naturally with one person you seem completely incompatible with, and not really enjoy someone with whom you have a lot in common?  When does friendship start?  Where does acquaintance end and friend begin? And how can a friendship that has survived so much come completely undone over something that seems incredibly minor?

Sometimes it's hard, scary and intimidating to make new friends.  Or, it flows so naturally that you marvel at how close you have become so quickly.  Why is that?  just something i've been thinking about lately...

I love...

my friends, my life, my God!  Sometimes even in the midst of chaos, stress, and time-crunched madness, when i finally quit striving, I just hit this place of peace that can only be attributed to my dependance on Christ.  It's midnight and I am about to launch into a week I couldn't be less prepared for.  and yet... peace.  

Lord, I am in the habit of falling.  thank you for always being there to catch me.  - ltp

Whew!

breathe in, breathe out.  i'm trying so hard to just live right now without worry.  Im a planner, a scheduler, constantly making lists, loving the satisfaction of crossing things off.  but all of that precision is kind of shot right now.  kind of like the studs of a building guide the shape but don't define what occurs in the spaces in between, i have a list of things to do and a deadline for when they have to happen. there is no mapped out way of how to get from here to there.  and that's where the worry creeps in.  usually. not this time.  instead, i'm praying for clarity and making it up as i go along, spontaneously fitting phone calls/emails/class/ tests/studying/sleeping/reading in my days where i think, at this moment, they should go.  Maybe, looking back, i'll see i could have done things differently, planned them better, been more on top of things (which is why i don't plan on looking back on this time in that way).  because i'm making the best decisions i can with the time i have.  it wont be perfect.  but things will get done.  

and so i breathe deeply of the feverish life i am living at the moment.  things will eventually slow down, i can sit back later, but for now i'm running as fast as i can.  chasing deadlines, digging in for the week ahead.  because this is my life. right now.  life is in the in between moments, the gaps of time between class and work, the unexpected snags and sweet times.  yes, i am a little stressed at the moment, but i really wouldnt have it any different. 

i've never been so exhausted and exhilarated.  and it's only Tuesday.  :)

Sometimes, I just want to punch someone in the face

like right now. 

because i'm mad at you.  

and i'm tired, so my fuse is short.

object of my anger and frustration, watch out. 

"She doesn't want to leave, she's just wonderin' if there's life out there...."

I love nashville, and i know it's where God wants me to be right now.  and maybe its just my gypsy past, but i'm getting restless.  its a feeling thats been growing for awhile.  i love my life in tennessee, but...

i want to see places i've never been.  i have a list.  i know its corney, but i do. i dont want to miss anything.  i want to experience all life possibly has to offer. but for now, i know i just need to be content and enjoy this part of my life. because who knows what's out there? 

Ridiculous

My life is insane and trying to suck the actual life out of me. The life that makes living actually worth it.  Ya know, the moments with friends, the time to just relax and sit and talk and breathe and laugh and be.   Im trying to fight the urge to go get in my car and drive very far away, leaving my schedule, responsibilities, and the demands on my time behind.  If you see me with a panicked look in my eyes, Im preparing to bolt.  Give me a hug and remind me I only have to keep up this pace for another month.  It's good to hear other people say it.  Hugs and prayer are the only things that are going to get me to May.  

deep breath, and...go!

"These are my people, this is where i come from...

Spring break is over.  its sad.  im even less ready to face the rest of the semester than i was before.  but is been good.  a sweet time with my family and a ridiculous time with friends. 

Oh, family.  ive missed them.  sometimes i get so caught up in this mindset of "i need to be independant, and have my own life, and pursue all of this stuff", that i forget how much i love a relaxed day with my parents and sister.  "... its aint always pretty, but its real.  Its the way we were made, wouldnt have it any other way, these are my people."

Ponder

I am an imperfect person.  sometimes i forget. i think nothing i do gets on people's nerves.  nothing i say hurts the feelings of others. i am flawless. but lets be real, thats a lie. ways i have realized i have been wrong in the last few hours:

1. willfully misunderstanding my sister

2. being prideful i knew something my mother did not

3.  thinking i am intelligent enough to read the screwtape letters in an afternoon.

the first two, pretty obvious.  but that last one, really surprised me.  its prideful (im noticing a trend... something to work on), but i really thought i'd be finished with it by now.  its not very long.  and it was all i really had planned to do today. and usually i read pretty fast.  

but wow.  im only about 1/3 of the way in.  the language is excellent.  rich, descriptive vocabulary- which i love.  but i've really had to slow down, and think, and be all contemplative- which i also love. but im really struggling. struggling to understand and absorb the words from the page.  and its not that im uninterested.  im so interested its frustrating. thank you c.s. lewis for overwhelming my brain.  i think im going to need to re-read it when i finally finish to catch the things im sure i am missing. 

but i have never loved reading more than i did today.  and im a nursing major.  im supposed to read a ton of stuff all of the time. but this reading is different.  its mentally stimulating.  and takes all of my concentration. and half an hour goes by and i've only flipped a few pages.  and its wonderful. 

i love spring break. 

Singin in the rain...

is what i feel like doing today.  i have always loved the recklessness of playing in the rain.  its fun the same way playing with fireworks on the driveway in the middle of summer is; you know at any moment something could go terribly wrong, but its just to thrilling to stop and walk away from the matches.  i need to do something.  something to break the routine. any ideas?

This Colorful World

Life is good in Lauren-land.  Long lost friends are wonderful. and so what i need right now.  its amazing how god's timing is perfect every time.  what are the odds that two members of my friend-family would be on springbreak at the same time, and it would be a good week for them to come back to nashville? but it was, and they came, and its like they never left. 

 i've been noticing this alot lately, that even though i sometimes feel so alone, i have people in my life just waiting for me to reach out and get out of the dark, self centered hole i sometimes crawl into.  when i realize my pain is largely self-inflicted,  and climb back into the world of light, i see that there are people who love me and are wondering where I went.  i should stop disappearing.  

lyric i love today:  wake the sleeping beauty in your soul....will you ever fall in love again? - Eliot Morris

Drawing lines.

im a girl with ten thousand things on her plate on the verge of coming undone.  but this cant wait.  it's just too important to get put on one of my lists of things to do.  i feel as if something within my soul has broken free and needs to stand guard.  because my friends need protecting.  they need their hearts and minds protected from the constant assault they are under that tells them they are not enough.  because the thing is... they are.  

it mystifies me that they are unaware of their brilliance.  that they cant see themselves the way i see them.  so i am going to show them, tell them, and remind them of who they really are.  i am going to be real, vulnerable and exposed and dare them to join me. and its scary.  i think we are all so afraid of being really seen, but i believe it is exactly what we need.  

hiding isnt bringing contentment and you know it.  its going to be hard.  but will you trust me?

Winter Wonderland

whew.  what a day.  seriously, it was wonderful.  fk brings so much to my life.  i love her dearly.  as we talked about our future plans over indian food, i couldnt help but think how different we are.  and not just in the intensity of spice our taste buds can handle (she ordered native hot, which is above and beyond american hot, making my choice of medium seem a little lame), but in really big ways, too. and yet... when we talk there is so much comfort, so much understanding.  its like, 

"wow, you get it. your dreams are bigger than the sky, and you dont know if you are going to make it either, but you wont be satisfied until you try as hard as you can. im glad we can do this whole sky's the limit, follow our dreams thing together."

 so good. so what I needed. 

then we went to see belmont play.  wow, i really think it was the best, most intense game i have ever watched.  when a three point shot was made with 38 seconds left on the clock putting us just one point ahead, it felt like my insides were on the verge of exploding.  then a player was fouled and allowed to make two free throws.  he calmly walked to the line, and made the shots cleanly and with an ease i cant even imagine.  just like, im sure, he does every day in practice.  practice really does prepare you for the future.  I really hope what i am doing now is preparing me for life so i can be calm and come through when i am desperately needed. 

and then, it snowed. and life was good.

I still haven't found what Im lookin' for

hide and go seek used to be my favorite game. i would play until the sky had grown black; the deep, velvety black unique to the summer sky. The darkness added to the rush of seeking, and we fumbled. 

       tripping.

              falling. 

                   searching. for the elusive hiders. you never knew when someone would leave their hiding place and sneak up on the seeker, eliciting a scream that could be heard for blocks. so much was unknown, and uncertainty was the cause of the excitement. In the morning i would wake with bruises and scrapes of unknown origin, proof that the intensity of the night had not been a dream.

my life lately has been like a game of hide and seek. Thrilling and wonderful, but incredibly uncertain.  Im the seeker, searching for the mysterious, elusive things i think i want out of life. but just like a child fumbling in the darkness, i don't really know where i am going or what i am looking for. i've been stumbling around a lot, and i have fallen, hard, more than once.  i have the marks to prove it.  that exciting uncertainty drives the search, yet makes me terrified at the same time.  but its the kind of fear that is thrilling, because it contains the hope that there is something worth finding. that the search is not futile.  because sometimes, you cant see the future coming.  it jumps out of the dark, and there is no way to be ready.  you just have to react, and pray you made the right choice. 

Im not gonna write you a love song...

I dont know why I love this song so much. But I do. So much so that I turn it up super loud and sing along.  And I dont really sing.  Because Im pretty much tone deaf.  But I sing this song- loudly and regardless of who is in the car with me.  I think I like it because it reminds me of myself a little- carefree and bold.  I like to think i am, anyway.  

 and this weekend was fantastic because i was.  I had coffee with a friend, and as we talked and she told me her story, I walked a little farther into who she really is.  and i let her see who i really am.  

...and it was great. 

I love living out the fullest expression of what i am feeling.  I felt joyful on Saturday, and the day was wonderful.  I have a friend I love dearly, but due to our busy lives I dont see often.  Our friendship is special, though, and each time we are together it as if no time has passed.  We spent all day together, and  laughed and literally bubbled as we enjoyed the beautiful day.  We went to a park and flew a kite!  I love laughing, and i laughed for over an hour as we ran around like six year olds whose attention was entirely captivated by the streamers fluttering in the wind.  Our cries of delight drew stares, but I was fully alive and loving it. 

Insert Catchy Title Here ________.

so i've decided leap day is one of the oddest things ever.  A day that only happens every four years? where does it go?! and who decided it was a good idea to invent a day that only happens sometimes? better question, why did people go along with this idea?.....

....I would really like to be a superhero. a cool one, not one of those lame ones that fly or something.  I would want to be able to selectively get inside peoples brains and make them think about something I wanted to know.  Manipulative? Maybe.  But think about it- dont you want to know if someone really likes your new sweater, or is interested in you, or if they really want you to come or are just inviting you to be nice, or if your dog has thoughts? I wouldnt want to be able to hear peoples thoughts all of the time, i would just want selective information....

........"I've learned the hard way, that they all say, things you want to hear"  that phrase has been true in my life more times than I really care to think about.  The hurt that comes with it lingers long after the person who inflicted the pain has moved out of my life.  But Im not goona lie, sometimes its nice.  Sometimes I dont care if you mean it, I just need to hear you say it.  It may be self-destructive, but sometimes, just for now, I need to believe you .....

Lies

Ever wonder why people lie? Lies never solve things or make them better, they just complicate life.  even the ones that seem small and not even really worth telling.  but the worst lies are the ones we believe about ourselves, and worse yet are the lies we tell ourselves.  Those lies do the most damage becuase we take them in and shelter them from truths people tell us, clinging to them despite evidence to the contrary.  we hold on to them for years, often forgetting the source or why we still believe them.  But we do believe them, and from what I have seen they always destroy people.  chipping away at who they are, and who they are meant to be.

I have a friend who is beautiful.  one of those people who is just striking. but she wont believe you when you reassure her that she isnt ugly.

I have another friend who is fantasticly funny.  he makes me laugh consantly.  but he is so self concious that he barely says anything around people he doesnt know well.

and me... wow.  god has really been making me aware of the lies i am believing about myself.  its painful to see the truth, and see how deceived i have been.  how much time has been wasted and opportunities missed because i wouldnt or couldnt see what was real.  but now the blinders are coming off, and it hurts the same way going outside on a sunny day hurts my eyes.  so much light, so much truth.  but its a hurt that contains the promise of something better, something more.  the pain will stop, and life will begin again after i have gotten accustomed to the light/truth and i am able to see things for what they are.  

i refuse to believe the lies anymore, and i am finally willing to deal with the pain the truth brings.  because i cant keep doing what i am doing, it just hurts to much to feel myself suffocating.  

"head underwater, and they tell me, to breathe easy for awhile. Breathing gets harder, even i know that"  

 

Craziness

I might be the most awkward person ever.  I really hope not, but sometimes I wonder.  I say what is on my mind, Im not afraid of confronting people, and I sometimes take things too far.  I dont really apologize for any of that, I like who I am.  And now, to add to the awkwardness, I am on crutches.  For three weeks.  And I am quickly discovering things about myself that I thought were good, to be not so good after all.  

I am a very independent person.  I can handle myself and dont really need your help, thank you very much.   But now, the crutches are forcing me to see that my independence and self sufficiency is a crutch i use to protect myself.  If I am not relying on people, they cant let me down.  If i dont trust them, they cant hurt me.  If I hold people at a distance, they cant see who I really am.  And now, with these crutches, I have to rely on other people.  And its hard.  I hate to admit that, but it is hard for me to let people open doors for me, or carry my plate in the caf, or even just be concerned.  How stupid is that?!  Because I cant carry anything, and opening doors is difficult, and I really do need help.  But I dont want to admit that because it feels like I've failed somehow.  Which is even more ridiculous than  not wanting help I need.  When will what I need become what I want?  ugh...  

Laughing till i cry, oh my

I really should be studying.  because I have a test i am unprepared for in just a few hours.  but i cant stop thinking about the previous few hours.  sometimes i just love my life so much i want to be able to encapsulate segments of time so i can relive them later when i feel like life is not so great.  In the last four hours, i have:

-watched hp step put of a time capsule from 1970 and return to the present 

-played frisbee on the guad and all the way to the bookstore (14 consistent catches, if you were wondering) on our way to meet up with jk 

-played frisbee inside the bookstore where we ran into ps, who joined us for lunch

-spent an hour and a half in the caf laughing, talking and being generally loud and obnoxious

-played monkey in the middle 

-chased and was chased all the way back to my apartment

-illegally decorated mk's door 

-went to the bank (which was closed since it is a federal holiday.  thank you, mr president) 

-got coffee at bongo

-bought groceries.  

So much fun, so much life.  i wish everyday could be so much fun.  i love to laugh.  really laugh in a stomach-hurts-eyes-might-start-to-water kind of way.  who knew three such different people could make my day? so thank you friends for being ridiculous and wonderful.  and thank you god for wonderful friends.

fractured pieces

When do you let someone or something go?  when do you say im finished with this?  more importantly, how?  how do you detach your soul from someone else's? its bound to be a messy process.  any time you let someone get to know you, really know you, you end up giving a little piece of yourself away.  and that's usually fine.  good even.  we need others to know us and understand us and we need to know them.  

but what about when you want that piece of you back?  when you need to just let the person slide from your life and you dont want them to take that piece with them? the things people say, like "everything happens for a reason" or "maybe it's just time" do nothing to soothe a hurting soul or restore the missing piece.  what does?  I have no idea.  

I just know i dont know how to let go, or when to say there is nothing here for me anymore and walk away.  because even when i think i have 'let it go' and moved on or past it or whatever, something happens, or is said, or i see a glance across a room and suddenly its just there.  the connectedness i thought i had severed.  there, real, and FRESH.  and im back where i started with no idea how i got there or what I am supposed to do now.  There ought to be step by step instructions for this kind of thing.....

Strangers?

have you ever felt a connection with someone you dont even know? Or maybe you have met them once before, but every time you see them you feel like you know them much better than you actually do? Like maybe the stranger isnt a stranger at all.  There is a girl I see almost everyday.  we have never spoken, but I know that as i walk to class, across the quad, or through beaman we will make eye contact, smile at each other and nod.  I dont know her name, but she is a familiar constant in my life.  Part of me feels like one day i should say hello, sit down with her over a cup of coffee and get to know her, like we could be friends or something...  

but i know i never will

because part of me likes not knowing anything about her.  i kind of like our little ritual of smiling and nodding, its almost symbolic of hope and mystery that one most often finds in nature, not in the midst of so much concrete.  

Life is random

I am a very busy person. And now, as if I didnt have enough going on in my life, I am starting this.  I dont really have a reason. its not like I dont have a journal.  i have several that i use for different topics. this is going to be random, but life is random, so im ok with that.